So far grieving is just mostly really sad, and really weird.

The time frame my mind is in, and the time frame the rest of the world is in seems disconnected.

I am grateful that I have a good relationship of God, and have found so many tender mercies along the way that help me to know that I am not alone, that my sister is near in my heart, and that the turning time will continue to help and heal.

Those are all very important reminders, and I need them often.  Because if you have a sister, you can imagine the pain of losing her runs so deep sometimes it knocks the breath from my lungs.  We are not yet to the stage of it getting better each day, mostly it jumps around, or rather comes crashing over like a wave of indescribable agony in between moments that look and feel almost just like normal life.  I have found trouble sleeping, and also trouble doing anything other than sleeping.  I have experienced a whole set of physical symptoms I hadn’t expected, as well as the looming sadness and grief I had expected, even though it’s worse than I could have anticipated.  Mostly it’s hard to wrap my mind around it, because I hadn’t expected it.  Not her, not now.  Not ever, actually.

There are so many layers to grieving this loss.  The processing of what happened, accepting the loss, caring for what’s left, the memories intertwined in every single moment of my life, and the bleakness of looking forward without her physically here.  Plus juggling family dynamics, watching others I love mourn, feeling responsible, helpless, hopeless, peaceful, sad, full, empty.

It really is just a lot and that makes it really hard to talk about, or write about.. it’s a lot to process, it’s heavy, it’s sad, it’s something no one wants to hear about because it’s so awful.

But I also know this is an opportunity to use this trial to find deeper meaning in my own life,  let it allow me to love others more fully, and hopefully in time bless others with my offered wisdom as so many have blessed me with.

I have also experienced many sacred and special moments of understanding what it’s like to have a sister, who I am deeply connected to and love, in heaven.  It has put into perspective some things about my testimony, God, and heaven.  It has brought peace and understanding in ways I really appreciate and needed.  This has absolutely brought more compassion to my heart, and given me eyes for other’s good I don’t think I’d have any other way.

I know there are no words to offer, but truly, people reaching out and offering their love and prayers or whatever they have to offer has truly gotten us through so far.  I have felt lifted, and comforted by the prayers and fasting on my behalf, and I am so so grateful for that sincere kindness.  It means something, right now it means everything.

At the current moment,  I am doing my best.  At continuing to do things I love, like taking my dog for walks and mothering my children.  I am doing my best at allowing myself to feel sad, allowing myself to need space and quiet, trying to allow myself to ask for help when I need it (always working on that).  I am leaning into the love my family has endlessly offered me, and I am pouring out love as quickly as I can to those around me hurting as well.  It has been a beautiful, heartbreaking, bonding time for all of us, and I pray that we can lean into love as we continue to heal.

Thank you sincerely for the prayers, donations, meals, flowers, words, messages, drinks, thoughts, and time.

I truly have the best friends in the whole wide world, and I’ll never be able to repay what has been given to me these past weeks.

My heart keeps taking me to our family’s theme for this school year,

Keep loving. Keep tryingKeep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever.” 

(Full talk HERE)