Soon, I am going to have this baby. Not too soon? Maybe way soon? It feels like that right about now. For some reason, I feel compelled to take a photo of my belly every single day and document exactly the feelings in my heart right now. My mind and heart are BURSTING with feelings and thoughts and I know the minute this baby is born, all of it will fizzle out into hormonal tears and I wont recall a bit of this week – maybe my last week of pregnancy. That is a weird thing about having a baby.
The idea of having another baby in the house on the surface feels a little overwhelming, but I know that with each baby comes this capability in myself as a mother. I may feel maxed out right now, but as soon as that new little person gets here, I will have room in my heart, room in our family, room in our life for it. It is a special amount of room that has been pre-carved just for this baby, and once I discover it, I’ll never know how he/she wasn’t here the whole time. But I believe this little being really was etched in my soul the whole time. And the closer I get to meeting him/her in person, the more familiar that little spirit is feeling to me. I get little glimmers of familiarity, that sometimes I almost feel like it’s missing because it’s not here yet. It’s a special place to be. I always forget about this phase until I’m here again and I remember feeling this way about each of my little souls before they came into the world.
Yesterday I finished up the last of all the things I needed in preparation for this baby. The laundry is done and folded (thank you so much, Cher!) the cradle is set up, the newborn diapers are unboxed… Each time I see that little cradle in the corner of my room I feel like my heart is going to swell out of my chest. Last night I noticed Stella had placed a few books on the window sill next to the baby’s bed, and placed a few small toys and a fresh blanket in the cradle. We are all so happy to be adding this baby to our family. I hope that wherever it’s little spirit is right now, it can feel the love we already have for it.
This week I feel a sense of contentment that I haven’t felt in quite some time. I have felt capable, and strong, and fulfilled, and happy. I have craved contentment for months and this week it has seemed to wrap around me like a favorite blanket. The stress of life has calmed down some, my emotions seem to be in a good place this week. It is calm here and I hope to keep it that way for as long as I am able. I also feel God so close to me this week, which has blessed my life and my heart deeply. I feel like I’m getting answers to overdue prayers, and I have this clarity and peace that only comes with the spirit filling my heart.
In our travels and encounters over the duration of this pregnancy, we have had a lot of comments on “Four?!” kids. There was a time these comments would have made me feel uneasy and insecure, but thankfully I am in a chapter in life that feels like this life was made just for me – I know it was, actually. And the idea of having four of my very own children filling the walls of my home- almost to the point of overflowing makes me happier than anything else could. I am going to have four kids soon and I couldn’t be more thrilled.
