I have been thinking about this little old blog of mine and where it started, and where it is now and where it is going. The funny thing about this profession for me, is that I happened onto it quite accidentally, and certainly unintentionally. I started writing small bits of my then very small family. It progressed to a place where I showcased my art of photography. It has been the vehicle that has driven my photography business to the success I have reached. Now it is a place where I write essays about my family and motherhood and other aspects of my life.
It’s sometimes a bit awkward to live out loud like this – very open and in the public eye. People who have never met me in real life know a lot about the depths of my soul. On the flip side, sometimes the people who do know me in real life struggle because they know me as my outside self – not my more inside self that is shown here on the blog. My real-life friends and mostly my family already have a perception of me that doesn’t include the inside me, really. So it makes sense that sometimes it’s hard for them to follow me here, and also know me out there. There are also people who have only had experience of me with the words that I write on the pages of this blog, and even though I try to show as much of myself as possible – still sometimes people get the illusion that I have it “all together” or that I’m a “perfect mother” or that I am impeccably styled all the time. I am soooo not that type of a person. I am just simply me – all sides of me. The inspirational me and the unconventional me. The big-mouthed me and the stubborn me. The confident me and the humbled me.
As I have been thinking of this blog and specifically my writing, I feel like I have been doing myself a disservice not writing about more things that matter to me. I mean, motherhood matters (most of all, it matters), and that is well accepted through the blogosphere, isn’t it? But what about God, and religion, and purpose, and service, and love, and loss, and all those things that really matter. I have come to a conclusion that anything that we feel passionate about, or that deeply matters to us, tends to be controversial, doesn’t it? And controversy, especially controversy stirred up by me, makes me incredibly nervous. I would much rather live in my bubble of knowing my own heart and never sharing it to avoid having someone be able to hurt me deeply by opposing the things that matter to me. If I talk about religion, I may offend the religious people because the will surely see that I am not nearly as religious and faithful as I “should” be. If I talk about my relationship with God, surely someone will oppose because they likely have their own relationship with God that differs vastly from my own. If I talk about my political stance… well we know where this is going. So to avoid getting myself hurt, I have simply decided that I would only be talking about the light hearted, beautiful stuff here. Not the sometimes complicated, sometimes dark and scary stuff here. That is the stuff I leave for a very safe place I like to call therapy.
Writing for me has been a life line. It has been the air that I need to breathe to survive. Writing is how I process things, how I document things. Writing is a creative outlet, and therapy for me. If I am struggling with something, I’ll think “I need to write about that!”. Once I have it written, I am able to sort my feelings and see things from a different perspective. Writing has healed my heart in so many many ways and I feel so blessed to have stumbled upon this blog and find my calling for writing. And so, the question has been begging my soul, “How will I use my writing in a way that matters.”
And so, it is time for me to get very real. Because I’ve been hiding behind my outside self for a long time wishing the world away. “I’m tired of my family,” I say to Brady, “They expect soooo much of me,”. “I’m tired of the kid’s school!” I complain to Brady, “They require SO MUCH of me.” “I’m tired of church.” I whine to Brady “They just require way too much of me.” But you know what is probably the most exhausting of all? Expecting too much of myself – ie: being “fine”. My family thinks I’m fine, because when they ask how I’m doing, I say “I’m fine.” And when one of the teachers asks if I can come to class on Friday I say, “That’s fine.” And when so many well meaning church members ask if they can do anything for me, I say “thank you! But I’m fine.” I don’t want to ruffle feathers, I don’t want to expect anything from anyone and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN PHILADELPHIA I do not want anyone to expect anything from me!! I think I’ve been acting so fine for so long that people are actually reading along and thinking “Gosh, I wish I was as fine as Cass Miller.” And when so many of you leave thoughtful comments on my blog or instagram or email, I am thinking “Gosh, I wish I was as fine as she thinks I am.” And what even is FINE, exactly? Aren’t we all struggling with one thing or another all the time? Don’t we all have our hands full with life’s happenings? Don’t we all go to sleep at night in the best way we can? Counting our blessings and making lists of ways we can do better tomorrow? This stuff should be out on the table, you know? Why do we feel like we have to hide these parts with our outside selves?
So this is where the inside self meets the outside self. It’s really time those two started getting along better, don’t you think? It’s really time they stopped avoiding each other when they have to live in such close proximity (you know, WITHIN ME.) Last week at my lash appointment (I have fake lashes, let’s just get honest right here – and fake boobs too if you must know.) my darling lash lady was surprised to find out I was quite a.. um.. colorful teenager. It’s something I’ve never talked about in my public life. I only talk about those years with a select few real-lifers and mostly just in therapy. “That surprises me!” she said. “Really?” I was so confused.. because when I look in the mirror, I see a girl who was quite a well traveled teen.. if that journey was older boyfriends and parties and past curfews. What was she seeing?? A twenty-something year old lady with a husband in the bishopric, perhaps? And when I told her – when I got real with her, I felt so much better. I felt like AHHH-PHEWWW, we’re all just in this life thing together, you and me. We’re all surviving in the best way we know how.
And so without really meaning to, I have hid my inside self from the world. I have hid the parts of me that struggle with religion and conforming. I have hid the parts of myself that are overwhelmed by housework and homework. I have hid the parts of myself that cannot remember important dates and get birthday gifts together in time. But what is hiding these parts of myself doing for me? Breeding inside and creating shame, probably. If the world of bloggers started sharing more of their person truths, do you think there would be less mama shame and discomfort to come from them? I think so. And so I will be here, keepin’ it real. Some parts of my life I am on top of things – like making gorgeous baby girls and confidently pulling off pink lipstick. Some parts of my life come easier than others, like loooooving my husband and taking pretty pictures. We can’t have it all though, can we. So here I am, just me – naked me, real me, ME me. I hope you’ll show up as YOU and go easy on the bits I’m working on.
Michele
I just adore you, lady. Sending you so much love…from Philadelphia. 🙂
Marissa
beautiful cass! just love your heart
Hailey Mabey
beautiful. you have a special way with words. thank you for sharing so much… you are making a difference!
Sis
Love this!!! Totally agree. Great writing, sis. I also love the naked you, real you, you you. And of course I giggled at “for the love of all that is holy.”
Ash Flowers
Love you baby doll, and I LOVED this post. Promise to never stop writing, because this is my therapy
Sydney
I loved reading this! I have felt the same way a lot but I’m getting better too. I have really grown from your testimony and the reminders to love motherhood. I am in a similiar stage of my life and it IS incredible and fun but it’s also exhausting and hard. Keep up the good work! I love reading your blog!
Julie
Cass you are my favorite! Seriously! You’re blog hits home to me on SO many levels it’s amazing. I LOVE the days you post that *confession* I usually read each post twice to make sure I didn’t miss anything! 🙂 Thanks for being you!
Kayla Johnston
I somehow stumbled across your blog a couple years ago, through a line of blogs that I’m so happy lead me here! I’ve never commented before, but this post nearly brought me to tears. THANK YOU for sharing your heart and being brave even when it seems to scary to do so. I have always admired the honesty of your writing. One of my very favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, wrote a book titled “Bitersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way” that has blessed me in some of the best, toughest, most challenging and wonderful ways and in reading your posts, especially as you write about your conflicted heart in sending Harlo back to school, this book sounds like something you could be blessed by too.
One of my favorite quotes from her book reads: “We sometimes choose the most locked up, dark versions of the story, but what a good friend does is turn on the lights, open the window, and remind us that there are a whole lot of ways to tell the same story.”
I just felt a tug on my heart tonight that I should express to you how thankful I am for your courage and bold writing. I only hope that when I am a mother, I have other moms in my life who can be raw and real with me in their struggles like you have been in yours!
Janae
If we can’t be real then no one really knows the real us right? I say open up!!! I love every part of who you are!!! Your life experiences have created you, and boy did they create a beauty!!!