I am in a phase of life right now that I can literally barely keep my head above water… if that water was a pool of darling little girls snuggled close to me in bed at all. hours. of. the. night. and a husband who’s self-starter business was on the rise and required much much more of his time than usual, and a new calling/venture into a completely new and exciting world of homeschooling, and a baby who is absolutely and undoubtedly spoiled rotten by her mama.  If all that was in a big pool of deliciousness, I would be gasping for air right in the middle of it.

Every time I try to write about this side of motherhood – the no teeth brushed for 2 days, don’t even ask about my hair being washed, knee-deep laundry piles in the wash room, too-many-days-ago’s crumbs under my table – it sounds ungrateful and that is so so so opposite of what my heart feels, so it’s a hard thing to write about.  However, it’s also a very lonely place to be – as grateful as you can be for said life, sometimes it’s just so dang much.  This is where I am right now.  I am not off on fun adventures of blog conferences and being invited to elaborate parties that I’m so busy to write about/promote on instagram.  I am not so busy with my booming photography business that I can’t seem to sit down to post (I have officially taken the whole year off on account of a baby who will not be away from me for more than 20 minutes.) I am not planning elaborate pinterest parties or working out every day.. I am literally just surviving.

Right now a family of 5 is taking all of me.  Every last drop.  I am excelling in a lot, and failing in a lot, too.  I’ve never really been in a position like this before.  Hands-full, heart-full to maximum capacity – overflowing on both accounts.  I have dropped more balls in the last few months than I have in my life, and on the flip side I have never felt more at peace with my life.  It’s such a strange, almost bittersweet place to be.  I have had to let go so much more than ever before.  I have had to sacrifice a lot and I have been blessed in a way that is so apparent to me, more so than ever before.

Last week on Instagram, I read a sentence that said “Because sometimes survival is triumph.”  and that is exactly where I am right now.  Triumphantly surviving.  Doing the very best I can.  Loving the life I have, that is very literally bursting at the seams.

We have started the new year with a flu bug that has seemed to last 5 days each and has almost consumed every single member of my dear family.  It has been an “Are you serious, God?” kind of week (two weeks? three? I’ve lost track.), but in this time that I’ve had sick in bed, late nights and early mornings with sick babies, I’ve really had time to reflect on both the struggles and triumphs of 2014.  I’ve thought about some goals I wanted to set, and honestly, surviving is my goal for 2015.  Beautifully, determinate, happily, persevering, intentionally surviving.

Because it’s true, sometimes survival is in fact triumph.