As you have probably noticed if you follow me regularly here on the blog, or on instagram, I have been a little bit more MIA than usual.
I am struggling with balance in my life as I often do. I have this constant battle inside myself of wanting to just be at home with my children, making meals, tidying up, creating a loving and spirit-filled home for my family. The other half of me has responsibilities like keeping up with my photography business, updating my blog regularly, answering emails from people, worrying about money and how I can optimize my business, scheduling, planning, preparing for sessions. I feel like I have two more than full time jobs and sometimes it pulls at my heart heavier than other times.
Lately I have been praying a lot. The Lord is so good to me, He really is. Always so gracious and loving and forgiving of me. He has blessed me in my life both with family and opportunity for business, but sometimes I wonder how He wants me to do both. I’m in a crossroads of sorts, I feel, but I know we’ll get through it. Today I’m just feeling a little down. You know those days where you feel like you could cry at any minute and not really for any specific reason? That’s how I feel today. I asked my girls this morning over breakfast if they had ever felt like that. Stella quickly replied “nope.” and went on eating her porridge. Harlo assured me that she knew how that felt, though.
Today I have an overwhelming to-do list, but I’m taking my time with it. I woke up to cuddles from my ladies. We slowly made our way to the kitchen where Stella requested we have porridge. It’s her favorite, as well as Harlo’s and my favorite so I thought that was a great idea. She helped me every step of the way. Until our porridge boiled over the top of the pot, then she told me she was going to wait over here, across the kitchen, because it was making her “a little nervous.” I thought that was a good idea.
Instead of rushing to my computer, I sat and ate a leisurely breakfast with my girls. We talked about our day and how preschool is starting soon. We talked about sometimes feeling sad, but always being grateful and serving others when we feel down. Harlo talked mostly in an english accent, which is my latest favorite thing.
Now I’m sitting at my computer, tying up my loose-ends. I’ve already got a pretty good start to the work load while my girls were playing on ABCmouse.com, now they’ve scurried off to play with their little imaginations. It’s my favorite thing to over-hear.
Stella has been wearing a bikini she found at Grandma’s house for the last, oh, probably 5 days. I think this is just the beginning, too. These pictures alone may have cured my bad day.
I also stumbled across this conference talk from last spring.. it may have been just what I needed to hear today.
I hope you’re having a great Wednesday! We’re in this together, right?
xoxo
Kristi
Those photos just kill me. Your girls sound like such a joy to be around! I can honestly say that I feel the same struggle sometimes, and I don’t even have kids yet and simply work a full time job. But the desire to be able to stay at home with your kids, together with the drive to be successful, can be like a game of tug-of-war. You’re doing a great job from what I can tell!
Cass Miller
You’re sweet, Kristi. Thank you for the words of encouragement! 🙂
Michele
Sending you love from across the country and wishes for a few extra hours in your day. 🙂 XO
Cass Miller
Thank you, love!
Kristi stout
Sorry it’s one of “those” days. Hope it gets better & darling bikini Stella gives you lots of snuggles:) You’re an excellent mom & talented photographer. And you inspire lots of other moms & make our torn days brighter!
Cass Miller
You’re so sweet, Kristi. Thanks so much for your kind words! 🙂
Emilie
I can completely, totally and 100% relate to your dilemma. I was in the same position a few years ago, when my youngest was 1. A photographer trying to “be” everything, wanting to invest in my business, and my family, and myself, because I was so very tired of myself being last. I felt guilty if every moment wasn’t spent doing something productive, like working on my brand or researching new healthy recipes, or working off those never ending last 10 baby/nursing pounds. It’s exhausting and awful and of course some days are harder than others, but I think feeling constantly pulled just wears you down over time. I made the decision to pull the plug on my business and focus on my family and I do.not.regret.it. Not for one minute. And I am not the super crafty, let’s read 300 books and make stuff out of pine cones kinda stay at home mom. I miss having an identify outside of “mom” and I very much look forward to the day I can (and will) go back to work, but doing 2 things I loved half ass just left me feeling bad about it all. Of course I miss it, but it will be there when the time comes. And now, I find myself not even wanting the same things, but new things. Giving myself permission to breathe and just BE with myself and my family has been so liberating. We tend to think that life is the race and that “time’s running out” and that we have to make our mark now or be forgotten forever, but it’s not true. There is a time for everything and I’ve made peace that now is the time for my babies. We CAN have it all, just not always at the same time. I’ve added a 3rd little boy to our family and am thinking about having just one more, and I can say the thought of trying to build a business during all of this makes me want to cry. I made the right choice for me. Balance is not good. Balance is stagnation, not growth. You want harmony. You want the parts of your life moving in concert with each other – sometimes family takes the lead, other times work does. It’s give and take, ebb and flow, and in the end is the beautiful symphony of your life. Be okay letting some things lead and others take a backseat. If that’s your business, great! You choose – but trying to do it all at once will only wear you out, produce mediocrity, and breed resentment and exhaustion. I’d be happy to chat more if you want to email me. I know EXACTLY where you’ve been.
Natasha
I think Emilie hit it spot on with her beautiful words of wisdom! What a great insight and response to your post!