The final step we were waiting on was for Brady to be ordained an Elder. This is something (like most things church-related) that I had no idea how big of a deal it was. We completed our classes in January and were waiting only for Brady to be ordained before we could book our temple date.
We had our temple interviews to receive our recommends and were asked if we were anxious to go right away or if we could wait until stake conference for Brady to be sustained. Since I had recently found out I was pregnant and was sicker than a dog, I quickly said we would be happy waiting. I did not want to be pregnant and sick for our temple sealing. I wanted to be able to enjoy the day and I was so looking forward to being pregnant for the occasion. We set a date in April, I would be 18 weeks along – hopefully feeling better and Brady would be ordained the month before. We had entertained the idea of doing it in March before my sister in law would give birth, but for some reason the date didn’t sit right with me. It made sense for every other reason in the world, but I just felt like it wasn’t our date. Brady kept trying to talk me into it, and I kept pushing for April. My reasons for why kept dwindling.
On the first weekend in March, Brady was ordained an elder. We were blessed with the Priesthood in our family and I felt a significance to it that came unexpectedly. Previously, I had just thought of this day as one more thing to cross off the list, a right of passage of sorts. When I became emotional during Brady’s blessing, I realized it meant more than I had thought. I saw a light in my husband that I had never seen before. He was truly radiating. We had the most beautiful day. We told our family we were expecting our 3rd little one at the luncheon. I felt like the blessings were being poured all over us. That night I was so thankful for so many things. I wondered how my husband having the Priesthood would affect my family. I couldn’t understand it, but I knew it came into our life for a reason.
The very next week, my miscarriage started. I received my first several blessings from Brady over the next couple weeks as my body went through the devastation of miscarriage. The weekend in March we had almost booked our sealing was the exact day I would pass my pregnancy. I was stunned as so many things had a perfect rhythm. I hadn’t booked the date, because I would be losing my baby. Brady had gained the Priesthood just in time for me to need it… the list went on and on. The timing of everything going on in our lives was perfectly in sync.
Those few weeks were incredibly tough to get through. It was the deepest pain and heartache I had ever felt in my life. I was so thankful for my faith though. The old and the new. I knew God was with me in my suffering, He felt my hurt and was graciously taking care of my broken heart. I loved the quote “God doesn’t waste a hurt.” He moved my soul in the most beautiful way. He gave me a whole new perspective and outlook. The things I had struggled with before were completely and peacefully answered. Although it was painful and hard, it helped me move forward in my faith like I’m sure nothing else could.
It definitely didn’t come easy, though. I had wrapped our temple sealing around my pregnancy. I had looked so forward to experiencing it with that little one tucked close. It was my picture of perfection. For weeks, I couldn’t even think about the temple date. I couldn’t think about the summer I had expected to be pregnant in, I couldn’t think about the month I was due, when the girls would be starting the new school year, I couldn’t think about the holidays that I expected to have a bouncing bundle of joy. It was absolutely all I could do to make it through the day, thinking into the future had me wincing in pain.
The weeks went by at a snail’s pace, but finally we were in April. I had to make the decision to carry on or put it off. Even though it stung, carrying on seemed like the right thing to do. We were warned that in the days leading up to our temple date, we would be tested and tried and boy, were we ever! We stayed true to our faith, though, even when it seemed hopeless. In the months before, our family and friends had asked “are you ready?” or “are you excited?” and I felt like we were neither. It’s hard to prepare for the temple because a lot of the lessons and blessings there are sacred and aren’t talked about outside the temple. I felt more nervous than excited and wondered if it would change. When I finally booked the date, I started to feel ready. I started to feel excited. I was finally feeling the peace I had been searching for.
From the beginning of this journey, my reasons for wanting to go through the temple had shifted. I started out just wanting security for my family. I felt I had been so blessed with the family I had and I wanted to place it in front of God. In learning more about it, I had wanted to go to simply learn. To have the blessings we were taught about and to have a peaceful place to worship and feel the spirit of the Lord. As we inched closer, having gone through trials and tests in all forms, I wasn’t only going for myself and my wants anymore. I was going for God. He had never once failed me. I knew this is what He wanted for me – for us, and I didn’t want to fail Him, either. He had carried me in the times I felt I couldn’t take another step and I knew He would deliver me until the end.