It has been 6 weeks since my miscarriage. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and most days it feels like a lifetime ago.
I haven’t written much about it since it happened and I wanted to document for myself what I’m feeling now. What I might feel a few months from now, a year from now…
Most days my pregnancy feels like a dream. Like a foggy dream that I’m not quite sure yet if it still really happened to me. I have been lucky to have two busy little girls that have kept my life moving forward. But lately it’s been on my mind a lot. I feel like I have made peace with a lot of my miscarriage. Trusting that it wasn’t time for our family, holding to our faith and working to better ourselves because of it. Sometimes the agony creeps up on me and grabs a hold of my heart and feels like it’s never going to fully let go. As each Saturday rolls by, my body can’t help but imagine itself at 16, 17, 18 weeks along. I try not to think about it, but little waves come rolling in and crash over my heavy heart. The announcements of other women due the same month as me, my friends who I would have loved to share this journey with but am again forced to accept that it wasn’t my time.
It wasn’t our time, little one, but I know we’ll get it someday.
Some days I’m thankful for the opportunity I have to work on my little family of 4. That I get a second chance at just focusing on my two little girls. Other days baby fever hits and it always comes with a sting. I have worked so very hard on not being bitter. Not being angry. Feeling what I need to feel and letting it pass through my soul in God’s time. Truly letting go, and letting God. But I am human and I do have moments of longing for more and wondering why, thinking it’s not fair, wanting to guard this battered heart of mine.
For the most part, I am just so surprised by how God heals our hearts. Especially from things that seems impossible to heal from. I do think about that baby every day, but not everyday comes with pain. Sometimes – most times – it comes with hope. It comes with peace. It comes with excitement of the future. It comes with immense strength. I have learned by that sweet baby who briefly touched my life just how strong I really am. So much stronger than I thought.
I do believe that everything happens in God’s time and for His reasons even when we cannot see them. This one was a tough one for me to see. Because why? Why couldn’t I have just had that baby? I would have loved it so much. I would have taken such good care of it. We would have given it such a wonderful life here. Why couldn’t we just keep it? But trusting isn’t my strong point. I wanted to know the answers right now, but with this, I couldn’t. I cannot know the answer right now. I can either be angry about that, or I can trust. Just what I’m not very good at.
I will choose to trust rather than to be angry. Because it’s what I need to do. Because it’s the only thing I can do.
And I will also hope. I will hope for my future. I will hope for that baby. I will hope for a better time.
One day, little one. One day.