I woke up the next morning, just over an hour after I had fallen asleep. Just as they had been waiting for my eyes to open, the tears started to pool over my eyelids.
Today was the day I was going to have to face it all. I was going to see what I never wanted to see. I was going to hear words I didn’t want to hear. I was going to have to deliver news I didn’t want to deliver.
Brady came in to kiss me good morning and I tried – hard – to swallow the lump in my throat. I didn’t want him to worry and I knew he had to go to work since he had taken time off for my trip. “Call me when you talk to the doctor,” he whispered to me and I could only nod as the tears began to fall again. “Are you going to be okay? I can stay…” he worriedly implied, but I quickly assured him I would be fine.
As soon as he was gone, I took a deep breath and got myself out of bed. I threw on the first maxi skirt and shirt I could find. I caught a glimpse of my sweet belly in the mirror. I realized this was the last time I’d remember it like this and I would have done anything to pause that moment to savor it. The morning light was beautiful through my bathroom window and wrapped my pregnant body into a beautiful glow as if it was hugging me in all it’s glory.
I pulled myself together to call the doctors office. I tried my very hardest to keep my emotions under control as I talked to the receptionist who was impossibly kind. She told me I could come in whenever it was convenient for me and they would get me taken care of. I wanted to come in as soon as I could. I called my friend Abbi to see if she could come to my house, with her two kids, right now. God bless her soul, she said yes.
Before Abbi arrived, my sweet little Stella woke up. She requested her regular “powage” for the day and I swore to myself I would give that child the moon if she had asked for it that morning. Tears escaped me as I readied her breakfast, quickly wiping them away so I wouldn’t worry her. “Are you crying mom, or no?” she asked, “Oh, I’m okay, baby.” I said with the most earnest smile I could manage. She looked at me square in the eye and half smiled like she knew exactly what was on my mind. I set her breakfast in front of her and took in as much of her morning scent as I could as my tears dampened the top of her golden, glistening hair.
As soon as my friend arrived – pajamas and all – I kissed my babies, took a deep breath, and headed out the door.
When I got to the doctors office, Brady was just pulling in. As promised, they got me back as soon as I had signed in. I wanted to wait in that waiting room just a little bit longer. A place I remembered well from my pregnancy with Stella when life was so peaceful and happy and my appointments were made thrilling by the sounds of her sweet little heart beat. It wasn’t the same this time though. Before I knew it I was sitting back in the ultrasound chair – a place I had sat in before under much better circumstances. I longed for better news, but before the nerves could build up inside me, that same peaceful calm washed over my body again. The ultrasound technician wasted no time getting to business. I wanted to say, “Wait! No! I’m not ready. I’m not ready to hear what you’re going to say!” but before I could muster the words, there I saw a black spot in the middle of the screen. A vacant and gaping hole that appeared to be inside of my uterus and I felt the words, this isn’t the time. She quickly brought me to reality by saying, “I’m not seeing anything, Cassidy. There’s a pregnancy sack and a placenta here, but no baby.” I knew about these types of pregnancies and asked her what it was called. “Blighted Ovum,” she answered. “Everything else looks like it’s measuring exactly to the day, though.”
At this time, I could feel nothing but pride. So proud of my body that had done such a wonderful job to prepare a new life. My body was so good at getting and being pregnant that it was patiently waiting, continuing to build a safe home around a baby that didn’t make it to the final stages of development. If we were separate beings, I would have wrapped my arms around my body and held her to ease her broken heart. I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt more proud to be a woman than I did in this very moment.
I tried so hard to keep it in, but I couldn’t hold back the sobs eagerly trying to escape me. “Thank you so much, Bobbi” I muttered. I wanted to explain to her the appreciation I had for her being the one to break the news to me, but the lump in my throat was cutting off my air ways. She sweetly ushered us into another room to wait for the doctor.
Brady, I’m sure at a complete loss, tried to find words to ease my hurting. I couldn’t talk though, I just needed to be still for a moment and let my body feel what it needed to feel. Unguarded, for just a few minutes. I grabbed my phone. I couldn’t say the words, but I needed to get them out somehow. I text Haley, “I’m having a miscarriage. Please pray for me!” Dr. Chalmers came in to explain to us what was happening next. He explained that this type of miscarriage happens when the baby starts to develop and recognizes it has an incorrect number of chromosomes. In this case, it will dissolve rather than develop. The rest of the pregnancy will continue to develop until it recognizes something is wrong and start to slough off. This usually will happen in the 6-8 week range of pregnancy, but here I was at 12 weeks. That thought for some reason made me want to smile. My uterus is as stubborn as I am, determined to fight for what it wants.
Upon leaving the doctor, I hugged Brady near my car in the parking lot. My heart was broken. I sent him off to finish his day and promised I would call if I needed him back home. I got in the car and made a few painful phone calls to family and friends who were eagerly hoping for better news.
I got home to two happy girls, excited to have such an early morning play date. “you’re back!” Stella squealed, “where did you go, mom?” Harlo asked. “Just to the doctor, baby.” “Did you get a sucker and a sticker?” they both wanted to know. “Not today, love.” “Ohh… Maybe next time,” Harlo said, trying to make me feel better about the disappointment. She’s such a sweet soul. Maybe next time, I repeated her words in my head.
I have no idea how I got through the rest of the morning, I was completely exhausted both physically and emotionally. The distraction of motherhood was actually a welcome relief. Brady picked me up for lunch and took me to get a smoothie. I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful day it was and how much I would have enjoyed this middle-of-the-day treat if the circumstances were different.
When we got home, I laid Stella down for a nap. Harlo asked if she could watch a movie with me on my bed, which she almost never asks to do anymore. She barely finished her question before I was answering, “yes!” With her snuggled in by my side, I was able to drift to a peaceful sleep and didn’t wake up until I heard Stella’s door open a few hours later. Harlo had kept herself busy after the movie was over, coloring at the foot of my bed. I woke up to loving text messages and voice mails from sweet friends and that helped ease the load I was carrying.
I was cared for greatly on this day. My two precious girls played and kept each other busy without so much as a scuffle between them, instinctively knowing something was up. My love was at my side whenever he could be, offering me anything he knew I loved. Reminding me he was here, right along side me. My mom stopped by to let me just be for a bit. Willing to listen to the unloading my brain had to do. Delicious dinner was delivered by a sweet family friend. I had never felt more hurt in my life, I was certain. But I had also never felt more loved and supported, either. I knew God was taking care of me, taking care of my heart. He knew exactly what I would need to heal my sad spirits and He was giving graciously as He was with me in my suffering.
One question, along with many others, that I kept coming back to was, why now? Why couldn’t I have lost it earlier. Why did I have to spend all this time sick and tired for… nothing. It just didn’t seem fair. God was taking my questions one at a time and revealing answers to me in His time. Brady asked me if I wanted to run and get a drink with him and my mom agreed to stay at home with the girls for a bit. We walked outside just as the sun was setting. The air felt warm and smelled like fresh spring. Just then, the sprinklers turned on. I walked to the edge of the grass and felt the mist of the water tickle my toes. The smell of the wet cement took me to a happy place. This is why it happened now. You needed this to get through your suffering. And I did. In my soul that felt so dark and dreary, the warm spring air was breathing me new life.
God will carry you as he carried myself and many other mommas who’ve suffered this loss. I love you. So very much.
Thank you for your kind words, Karli. You’re the strongest mama I know. Love you!
I feel your pain Cass. The same thing happened to me too. I was 12 weeks along & went in for an ultrasound. They heard no heartbeat & determined it was a blighted ovum. You are so strong & sharing your story will help so many others who feel alone. I appreciate it!
Oh Becca, I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer through this. It really does help though knowing other women who have been through it. It’s such a lonely place to be. So much love to you! xoxo
Sending so much love your way, Cass! XOXOXO
Thank you, MIchele! xoxo
You are amazing! God bless you <3
Aww, Lulu, thank you so much. xoxo
Love you Cass! Been thinking about you so much! Part 1 and 2 made me cry equally hard as my heart breaks for you. You are such a strong lady…I pray that you feel love and peace through this pain. XOXO
I just adore you so much Cassidy. Just know you are loved by so many including me!! You are such a perfect example to all mothers and wives. Sending lots of love and prayers your way. xoxo.
Oh, Sierra. Thank you so much. Such a nice thing to say. Thank you for the love and prayers! xo
Wow I’m so glad you posted this. I know we don’t know each other personally but this touched so close to home. I lost my first baby to a “blighted ovum” miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was so very hard to understand why at the time and I also had so many questions. It took me 8 years after that pregnancy to get pregnant again. When I read that first positive pregnancy test in eight years it was so hard for me to truly allow myself to be excited because I was so scared I would relive the same nightmare, however this time our baby thrived and I was finally able to experience the joys of being pregnant that I had longed for. I now have my beautiful baby (she’s already a year old…how I wish time would slow). She is such a blessing to us and although it was so hard for all those years it’s incredible how perfect God’s timing is. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Amber, I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer through this. I’m glad you’ve been able to experience the miracle of motherhood and have such faith in the timing. That is so inspiring to me right now. Thank you for sharing love with me. God bless!
I’m so sorry Cass. I know what your going thru. After I delivered my little boy at 21 weeks I thought I would never get passed it. I started having problems at 12 weeks and after fighting for so many weeks I thought for sure I would deliver a heathy baby but then one morning things took a turn for the worst. I was scared to ever try again but I did anyways and then miscarried at 10 weeks. It’s devastating. And I decided to give it one last final chance, and Beckam was born. I am here if you need anything. Dinner, a sitter or a friend to talk too. Love you!
Oh, Ky! You have been on my mind heavily through all of this. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through knowing how much this hurts. You are so strong and so brave and have endured far more than any woman should. You are truly inspiring and amazing and I’m so glad to have you as a friend. I would love to get together soon! love you!! xo
Again, so very sorry to hear this… I will be praying for you. I think you handled it beautifully.
Thank you, friend.
Brooke Ashley Photography
OH Cassidy.. my heart is breaking for you. I am just so so sorry. Tears and prayers for you and your sweet family. You are such an amazing woman- I love your perspective and strength. Im here for you!
Oh, thank you Brooke. You have such a kind heart. Thank you for your love. xoxo
Oh, mama. I am so sorry. I am in tears for you right now and I know there’s not much I can say but I’m so very sorry and I’m thinking of you. Wrapping you in love and light, mama.
Thank you, love. Means so much!
Oh, Cass… I’m so very, very sorry to hear of your loss. Sending MUCH love to you, and your family x
You write beautifully, I was amazed at how much beauty and courage and pride you were able to still find, even at your darkest moment. You are one STRONG lady, and Mama 😉
This has brought back so many memories of how i felt. I cried reading the last 2 post. I feel your pain, miscarriage is such a hard thing to endure. When I was pregnant with Halle Bobbi had to give me the news that she wasn’t going to make it. I knew that the pregnancy wasn’t a normal one from the start. I had the same feelings, you are had/having with my miscarriages and with Halle. I wish you the best. Everything does happen for a reason. Halle experience has taught me so much. You will be in my prayers.