I woke up the next morning, just over an hour after I had fallen asleep. Just as they had been waiting for my eyes to open, the tears started to pool over my eyelids.
Today was the day I was going to have to face it all. I was going to see what I never wanted to see. I was going to hear words I didn’t want to hear. I was going to have to deliver news I didn’t want to deliver.
Brady came in to kiss me good morning and I tried – hard – to swallow the lump in my throat. I didn’t want him to worry and I knew he had to go to work since he had taken time off for my trip. “Call me when you talk to the doctor,” he whispered to me and I could only nod as the tears began to fall again. “Are you going to be okay? I can stay…” he worriedly implied, but I quickly assured him I would be fine.
As soon as he was gone, I took a deep breath and got myself out of bed. I threw on the first maxi skirt and shirt I could find. I caught a glimpse of my sweet belly in the mirror. I realized this was the last time I’d remember it like this and I would have done anything to pause that moment to savor it. The morning light was beautiful through my bathroom window and wrapped my pregnant body into a beautiful glow as if it was hugging me in all it’s glory.
I pulled myself together to call the doctors office. I tried my very hardest to keep my emotions under control as I talked to the receptionist who was impossibly kind. She told me I could come in whenever it was convenient for me and they would get me taken care of. I wanted to come in as soon as I could. I called my friend Abbi to see if she could come to my house, with her two kids, right now. God bless her soul, she said yes.
Before Abbi arrived, my sweet little Stella woke up. She requested her regular “powage” for the day and I swore to myself I would give that child the moon if she had asked for it that morning. Tears escaped me as I readied her breakfast, quickly wiping them away so I wouldn’t worry her. “Are you crying mom, or no?” she asked, “Oh, I’m okay, baby.” I said with the most earnest smile I could manage. She looked at me square in the eye and half smiled like she knew exactly what was on my mind. I set her breakfast in front of her and took in as much of her morning scent as I could as my tears dampened the top of her golden, glistening hair.
As soon as my friend arrived – pajamas and all – I kissed my babies, took a deep breath, and headed out the door.
When I got to the doctors office, Brady was just pulling in. As promised, they got me back as soon as I had signed in. I wanted to wait in that waiting room just a little bit longer. A place I remembered well from my pregnancy with Stella when life was so peaceful and happy and my appointments were made thrilling by the sounds of her sweet little heart beat. It wasn’t the same this time though. Before I knew it I was sitting back in the ultrasound chair – a place I had sat in before under much better circumstances. I longed for better news, but before the nerves could build up inside me, that same peaceful calm washed over my body again. The ultrasound technician wasted no time getting to business. I wanted to say, “Wait! No! I’m not ready. I’m not ready to hear what you’re going to say!” but before I could muster the words, there I saw a black spot in the middle of the screen. A vacant and gaping hole that appeared to be inside of my uterus and I felt the words, this isn’t the time. She quickly brought me to reality by saying, “I’m not seeing anything, Cassidy. There’s a pregnancy sack and a placenta here, but no baby.” I knew about these types of pregnancies and asked her what it was called. “Blighted Ovum,” she answered. “Everything else looks like it’s measuring exactly to the day, though.”
At this time, I could feel nothing but pride. So proud of my body that had done such a wonderful job to prepare a new life. My body was so good at getting and being pregnant that it was patiently waiting, continuing to build a safe home around a baby that didn’t make it to the final stages of development. If we were separate beings, I would have wrapped my arms around my body and held her to ease her broken heart. I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt more proud to be a woman than I did in this very moment.
I tried so hard to keep it in, but I couldn’t hold back the sobs eagerly trying to escape me. “Thank you so much, Bobbi” I muttered. I wanted to explain to her the appreciation I had for her being the one to break the news to me, but the lump in my throat was cutting off my air ways. She sweetly ushered us into another room to wait for the doctor.
Brady, I’m sure at a complete loss, tried to find words to ease my hurting. I couldn’t talk though, I just needed to be still for a moment and let my body feel what it needed to feel. Unguarded, for just a few minutes. I grabbed my phone. I couldn’t say the words, but I needed to get them out somehow. I text Haley, “I’m having a miscarriage. Please pray for me!” Dr. Chalmers came in to explain to us what was happening next. He explained that this type of miscarriage happens when the baby starts to develop and recognizes it has an incorrect number of chromosomes. In this case, it will dissolve rather than develop. The rest of the pregnancy will continue to develop until it recognizes something is wrong and start to slough off. This usually will happen in the 6-8 week range of pregnancy, but here I was at 12 weeks. That thought for some reason made me want to smile. My uterus is as stubborn as I am, determined to fight for what it wants.
Upon leaving the doctor, I hugged Brady near my car in the parking lot. My heart was broken. I sent him off to finish his day and promised I would call if I needed him back home. I got in the car and made a few painful phone calls to family and friends who were eagerly hoping for better news.
I got home to two happy girls, excited to have such an early morning play date. “you’re back!” Stella squealed, “where did you go, mom?” Harlo asked. “Just to the doctor, baby.” “Did you get a sucker and a sticker?” they both wanted to know. “Not today, love.” “Ohh… Maybe next time,” Harlo said, trying to make me feel better about the disappointment. She’s such a sweet soul. Maybe next time, I repeated her words in my head.
I have no idea how I got through the rest of the morning, I was completely exhausted both physically and emotionally. The distraction of motherhood was actually a welcome relief. Brady picked me up for lunch and took me to get a smoothie. I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful day it was and how much I would have enjoyed this middle-of-the-day treat if the circumstances were different.
When we got home, I laid Stella down for a nap. Harlo asked if she could watch a movie with me on my bed, which she almost never asks to do anymore. She barely finished her question before I was answering, “yes!” With her snuggled in by my side, I was able to drift to a peaceful sleep and didn’t wake up until I heard Stella’s door open a few hours later. Harlo had kept herself busy after the movie was over, coloring at the foot of my bed. I woke up to loving text messages and voice mails from sweet friends and that helped ease the load I was carrying.
I was cared for greatly on this day. My two precious girls played and kept each other busy without so much as a scuffle between them, instinctively knowing something was up. My love was at my side whenever he could be, offering me anything he knew I loved. Reminding me he was here, right along side me. My mom stopped by to let me just be for a bit. Willing to listen to the unloading my brain had to do. Delicious dinner was delivered by a sweet family friend. I had never felt more hurt in my life, I was certain. But I had also never felt more loved and supported, either. I knew God was taking care of me, taking care of my heart. He knew exactly what I would need to heal my sad spirits and He was giving graciously as He was with me in my suffering.
One question, along with many others, that I kept coming back to was, why now? Why couldn’t I have lost it earlier. Why did I have to spend all this time sick and tired for… nothing. It just didn’t seem fair. God was taking my questions one at a time and revealing answers to me in His time. Brady asked me if I wanted to run and get a drink with him and my mom agreed to stay at home with the girls for a bit. We walked outside just as the sun was setting. The air felt warm and smelled like fresh spring. Just then, the sprinklers turned on. I walked to the edge of the grass and felt the mist of the water tickle my toes. The smell of the wet cement took me to a happy place. This is why it happened now. You needed this to get through your suffering. And I did. In my soul that felt so dark and dreary, the warm spring air was breathing me new life.