It has been 6 weeks since my miscarriage. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and most days it feels like a lifetime ago.
I haven’t written much about it since it happened and I wanted to document for myself what I’m feeling now. What I might feel a few months from now, a year from now…
Most days my pregnancy feels like a dream. Like a foggy dream that I’m not quite sure yet if it still really happened to me. I have been lucky to have two busy little girls that have kept my life moving forward. But lately it’s been on my mind a lot. I feel like I have made peace with a lot of my miscarriage. Trusting that it wasn’t time for our family, holding to our faith and working to better ourselves because of it. Sometimes the agony creeps up on me and grabs a hold of my heart and feels like it’s never going to fully let go. As each Saturday rolls by, my body can’t help but imagine itself at 16, 17, 18 weeks along. I try not to think about it, but little waves come rolling in and crash over my heavy heart. The announcements of other women due the same month as me, my friends who I would have loved to share this journey with but am again forced to accept that it wasn’t my time.
It wasn’t our time, little one, but I know we’ll get it someday.
Some days I’m thankful for the opportunity I have to work on my little family of 4. That I get a second chance at just focusing on my two little girls. Other days baby fever hits and it always comes with a sting. I have worked so very hard on not being bitter. Not being angry. Feeling what I need to feel and letting it pass through my soul in God’s time. Truly letting go, and letting God. But I am human and I do have moments of longing for more and wondering why, thinking it’s not fair, wanting to guard this battered heart of mine.
For the most part, I am just so surprised by how God heals our hearts. Especially from things that seems impossible to heal from. I do think about that baby every day, but not everyday comes with pain. Sometimes – most times – it comes with hope. It comes with peace. It comes with excitement of the future. It comes with immense strength. I have learned by that sweet baby who briefly touched my life just how strong I really am. So much stronger than I thought.
I do believe that everything happens in God’s time and for His reasons even when we cannot see them. This one was a tough one for me to see. Because why? Why couldn’t I have just had that baby? I would have loved it so much. I would have taken such good care of it. We would have given it such a wonderful life here. Why couldn’t we just keep it? But trusting isn’t my strong point. I wanted to know the answers right now, but with this, I couldn’t. I cannot know the answer right now. I can either be angry about that, or I can trust. Just what I’m not very good at.
I will choose to trust rather than to be angry. Because it’s what I need to do. Because it’s the only thing I can do.
And I will also hope. I will hope for my future. I will hope for that baby. I will hope for a better time.
One day, little one. One day.
Amanda Campbell
Cass, keep being strong. Speaking from experience losing a pregnancy is the hardest thing in the world. It doesn’t seem like it now but it will get easier keep your head up. It just makes you love the kid/s you already have even more. I wish I could say I was as strong as you are being right now but I got very angry and very bitter toward other people who could have there babies and could get pregnant there first month. In fact I despised them, then it made it even harder when we couldn’t get pregnant again. But I promise it does get easier it may not be right this second but it will! Keep being the strong person you are!
Cass Miller
Thank you so much, Amanda! I’m sorry you’ve ever had to go through this and your words mean so much to me. So glad you’re about to have a happy and healthy baby girl!
Tisse
I’m so blown away by your strength and so inspired by your constant quest to trust and see the positive. What an amazing role model you are to your girls! Sending happy, healing thoughts and a virtual hug to you and your beautiful family.
Cass Miller
You’re so sweet, Tisse! Thank you so much. xoxo
Leah
Just loving you, mama. xo
Cass Miller
Thank you, sweet girl! xoxo
Leah
Thinking of you… 🙂 Hugs!
Cass Miller
Thank you, Leah!
Alela
Warm hugs from far away, you are an inspiration, thank you.
Cass Miller
You’re so sweet, Alela! Thank you so much. xo
Janae
I believe that we are sent to earth at specific times because we will have an effect on others for good, maybe even just one specific person that God needs us to help return home. If we come to soon or to late He might loose the one who is also precious to Him. Understanding the eternal plan makes healing from loss a little more doable I think.
Heidi
Cass, we don’t know each other (although we have mutual friends), but I just wanted to thank you for writing this post. I went for my first ultrasound 4 days ago and was told that my sweet baby had passed weeks earlier, but my body just didn’t want to let go. Only 4 short days ago I was 13 weeks pregnant with my third child, now I am in the process of losing my baby. I’m heartbroken, and I don’t know how to move on from here, though I am trying. Reading your experience has given me insight, and hope. Thank you 🙂
Cass Miller
Oh Heidi, I am so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I will be praying for you over these next few weeks. If you have any questions or need someone to talk to that can relate, please feel free to email me. 🙂 cassmillerphoto @ gmail.
So much love to you, sister!
xoxo