I have felt reluctant to write, or talk much these past few weeks. I am typically so focused on joy and all the many many good things life offers, and so it’s been strange and unsettling walking through such a dark time when joy and good feelings seem so far away.
But I am also learning and changing so quickly, I’m afraid if I don’t find the words now, they may escape me later when my heart is feeling lighter and more full of hope, and love, and goodness . My heart is still very much full of those things, but with the heaviness of grief poured over it.
This has been a time of deep reflection for me. As much as I want to escape myself and what I’m feeling, the only way through that is to look deep down and be brave enough to feel all of the feelings, let them wash over me and let the light bring me back to my feet, time after time after time. Get used to that pattern, and let it teach me and better me each passing time.
I am feeling lost and almost unrecognizable to myself as I walk through this grief, but I’ve also been able to extend myself love and grace to BE whatever I need to be in this time – easier than any other time.
A dear friend, who is farther down a similar path I’ve just started on, recently wrote me. She said, “You will be met with darkness you couldn’t have ever imagined.. and the light will be equal in radiance to balance and overcome that darkness in every way. I PROMISE YOU.”
Her words rang so true to me, because I have already experienced that. This place of sorrow that must only closely resemble the feelings of hell; right there was God, also. Literally holding me in His steady embrace. Knowing the feelings I was having were too much to bear, and holding onto what I myself couldn’t. I have felt the power of angels, on both sides of the veil, doing the Lord’s good and loving work in my life. I have been lifted — actually lifted by prayer, soothed by loving words, carried through by endless amounts of service – big and small. I have seen how it works now, and that we all, at every single second, can be used for God’s greatest good. What a beautiful new way I am seeing the world, through the shady glasses of my own despairing grief. This world is beautiful, and our pain is used for our good and His glory.
I am writing to you from a place where I am unsure if I CAN DO HARD THINGS, but here I am being called to DO HARD THINGS anyway. I pray that I can cling to faith, and pull through this gracefully. Coming out the other side more whole and full of His love and light than ever before.