Tag Archives | love and loss

Tag Archives | love and loss

under control

Today I woke up early enough to greet my kids up to get ready for school.  I let Mr. Miller sleep in as he has let me do so so many days these past couple of weeks.
The babies slept in with their dad, and I took the girls to school, sipped on my morning drink, and listened to my  audio book.
Not unlike I do every single morning.
But these mornings have been filled with immense grief, reflection, prayer, hope, and sadness these past couple weeks.
I am reminded again that God has us, He holds us in his tender care.
Everything is under control” my book reminds, a tender mercy from heaven.
After Mr. Miller reluctantly leaves for work, I get my hands busy tidying my house.
Boy does it need it’s normal,  functioning mother to run it.
It feels good to bless my family by getting my hands busy.
My heart is full of love and sadness, but the love helps hold the weight of grief from crashing down.
The grief rolls in in waves, in the little details and memories that come in so easily, and crash down so hard.
Everything is under control, I’m reminded.
I rock my baby extra long, just like I have been doing these past weeks.
My heart is healed by each session of singing lullabies together, snuggling, laughing, tickling, touching.
In the afternoon, Grae makes art while I plan out some outside landscape.
The spring air rolls in through the windows, the hope of summer tickling our noses.
Light fills the house, love swells, and the weight lessens.
Everything is under control.

 

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my sister angie

Oh my dear blog readers,

I have been coming to this place for nearly ten years, sharing mostly about happy things and positive outlooks, and today I’m here to tell you that something terrible has happened in my life, my entire family’s lives.

On March 27, 2018, I got my first soul-shaking, devastating phone call.  My beautiful older sister, Angie, had passed suddenly in her sleep.

Our dear Angie, just 38 years old, leaves behind her own beautiful family.  A loving husband, and three wonderful children.

My oldest sister has been my constant rock throughout my life.  Being ten years younger, we shared a room when I was an infant and she would get me up in the night and take me to my mom to feed me.  I was her own personal baby,  and she was my own personal role model through my entire life.  She tolerated me trying to dress exactly like her growing up, including but not limited to, stuffing my bra at the tender age of 4 so I could resemble more closely my post-puberty older sis.  Ang was a stinker like most teenagers, and she would have never let my parents know what a good big sister she was.  Often she would invite me along to cheer practice with her, she’d invite me along with her friends to run to get slushies or treats (them being 16, me being 6), I’ve even been on a handful of dates with her.  I grew up wanting to be exactly like my big sister.

Angie moved out just before her 18th birthday, and that worried me that I wouldn’t see her as much.  But my sister was a good one.  I couldn’t count the sleepovers and movie nights with treats and snacks we enjoyed.  She grew up and got married, but still kept our close relationship strong.  Angie made my life when she got pregnant with our first nephew .  Some of my favorite memories were watching episodes of friends on DVD while I got to be the first to feel the baby move, get hiccups, and talk about baby names and what it was going to be like when that baby arrived.

On August 24, 2002, my life was forever made with the arrival of Angie’s precious son, Brakken.  I loved that baby like I had never known love before.  Angie was the best at sharing her motherhood with us, and we enjoyed being Brakken’s bonus mamas/aunties.  Ang let me and my sisters tote him around highschool football games, keep him for sleepovers, and literally spend every free moment we had at her house doting over our sweet boy.  As a teenager, I moved in with Ang as my first step to the real world, and there we spent every single night up giggling into the wee hours.  I kept Brakken at my new apartment the night she went into labor with Maizee and was among the first to meet that glowing baby girl.   And when Tage was born, I drove up to visit him on day 3, before my sister’s milk had come in, but my milk supply was bursting being away from my own nursing baby.  “Perfect!” she said “I was just going to fix him a bottle, but now I don’t have to.” as she handed her hungry newborn to my leaking chest.  We are sisters in every sense of the word.

Angie has always been the one to have the hard conversations with me, the one to lend me my first car loan, taught me to be the overly responsible adult that I am, and lead by ferocious example.  So much so that I feel lost in the world without her to run my every adult decision past.  I was a lucky baby sister, and boy do I realize it now.  Never have I had to live with such a hole in my heart before.  I have no idea what the healing of that will look like, and I ask for prayers that I might be able to start.

Words can’t express how devastating this news has been to our family, and to literally hundreds of friends who loved my sister.

We have also seen her in the details in a thousand different ways.  We have felt her beautiful spirit close to our hearts, and I have started to learn more directly what it means to have my own very special angel in heaven.  The Gospel is one of everlasting life, and while that has always been a sweet and dear thought, I am learning what it means to cling to that as absolute truth, and the steadiness that brings as I try and grasp this new phase of my sister’s life; this new phase of my own life.

We have so many prayers and well wishes on our behalf, I am so grateful.  These selfless acts have lifted me and my family up in this heartbreaking time.  I ask for your continued love and prayers and we piece our lives back together after this tragedy.

An account has been set up to support the financial aspect of this tragedy for those that feel lead, HERE.

 

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Life after Loss

One of my top three most clicked on posts is my love & loss post where I wrote about the story of my miscarriage.  I followed up a bit here and there as I healed from that loss, but I felt inspired to write a few things down of how I’m (honestly) feeling after having 2 years of perspective.

I was really surprised by how much hurt I felt when I had a miscarriage.  I have seen many mothers walk through it and seem almost unscathed. I think that’s what made me want to write about it, because I didn’t feel unscathed.  I felt wounded deeply, and I felt alone.  I receive so many emails of mothers walking through their own loss who have found my posts to be a help and I am so grateful for that.  I am so grateful that through this space, we can be connected as sisters of loss.  I pray for each person who writes me and shares their stories of loss with me.  It truly touches my heart and I am so glad we have each other to heal together.

The pain of my loss, in it’s entirety, didn’t last forever.  Those first days waking up seemed to hurt so much.  The weight of it was so heavy I could barely breathe.  One thing that astounded me then and continues to do so is that I had never felt more peace than through that pain.  I felt so close to heaven.. I mean, I felt heaven almost tangible.  It was breathtaking.  I have never felt so close to God before as I did in those days and weeks following losing my baby.  (Which when I type comes with a sting – even now.)  I had never experienced that Grace before and I am so happy to know it – to have lived through it.  God is with us in our times of need.  For me, it was as if He was sitting right beside me as I wept through my disappointment.

The sting slowly faded.  At first my mornings were filled with the that sharp sting – wake up and sting.  Then my mornings got easier, but when I would walk past the nursery, sting.  Sometimes a few days would go by before I would feel that familiar sting.  Soon weeks were going by with more hope than pain, but certain dates would stick out with a sting.  Even my next pregnancy came with a side of sting.  Then even months would go by and I would notice that I hadn’t felt that familiar sting for a while.  My heart was healing.  Sometimes, I have friends and follower-friends who share their losses with me, and I feel that sting for them.  This kind of sting comes with a huge pouring of love.  I’m glad I can feel what they’re feeling, even if just a little bit.  I am glad I can help carry the burden – because I felt others help carry mine.  I still get that familiar sting every once in a while, but I take it as a good little reminder from what I’ve overcome, what I have waiting for me, and what I have here on this beautiful earth.  Where the sting used to accompany pain, it now accompanies peace, acceptance, happiness.

One thing I haven’t shared here is the day I actually passed my miscarriage.  It was a hard, long, emotional day and much too personal and sacred (and painful) to recount, but one of the harder moments of my life.  It was March 26th – after weeks of my body holding on since the whole process had started.  I didn’t know how I would heal from that day, but God did.  It took us some time both emotionally and physically, but I found out I was expecting later that Summer.  I was due none other than March 25th that next year.  When the clock struck midnight on March 26th, my labor started.  I thought about the year before when I was deep in labor to deliver a disappointing loss, and now I was handed my sweet baby from heaven, a year later, on March 26th.  A year to the day.  What a sweet tender mercy, and one that still gives me chills as I write it.

I do hope to have more children, and that fear of loss is still very much there.  I have felt it, and know how real it is.  That fear plagued me in my pregnancy after loss.  Each midwife appointment, each ultrasound, each trimester turning came with anxiety and fear. But God heard me in my prayers and carried me through until the end.  He still carries me.  While I hope I never have to experience that type of loss again, loss in some form will come.  And I will understand it just a bit better the next time I think.  I will trust in a God who carries me through, even when I feel like I can’t go on.  I will not live in fear, and I will hope for more healthy pregnancies, and sweet smelling newborns, and children to fill my home.

  (ashley flowers photography)
Because life after loss still goes on, and life is still just as sweet.

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fashion friday | surprise!

It’s true!  We are expecting our third little Millie in early spring.
We are over the moon, as you can imagine.  I don’t think the girls have stopped talking about it since we told them a few weeks ago.
We’ve had a couple of appointments so far, and things are looking great!  I’ve been sick-sick-sick, but I’m just starting to feel a bit better.  Fingers crossed this is the end of the nausea!

I don’t have much of a fashion friday, but from here on out, fashion friday will have the additional challenge of dressing the bump.

 shirt : h&m | pants : ross | shoes: target | gold watch : target | gold jewelry : h&m
hair : how to here

Right now I’m still in that “is she pregnant, or did she just have a big lunch?” phase.. it’s my least favorite one.
In fact, the first trimester is my least favorite for a lot of reasons, but that is just the start of it.
When I feel like C-R-A-P all the time, it makes it even worse if I don’t look a bit put together, so I’ve really tried to make an effort.
I’m surviving on looser shirts that conceal the “belly”, but if it sneaks out a bit, that’s fine too.
I’m all about embracing the bump when it gets a little bigger, but right now, tight clothes aren’t my friend.
I’m still fitting (snuggly) into my pants, but can’t quite button anymore.  I zip as far as I can, then tuck the buttons inside the pants.. this gets rid of the bulky “button trick” with a rubber band.
A wedge sandal is my new bestie.  When I’m starting to get wider everywhere else, I need some height to even it out.
I have embraced the worlds easiest hair – air drying.
And a quick HAC has become an essential part of my day-to-day.

So far, these are my go-to survival tips for the first trimester.  I’ll be sure to share a lot more along the way!
Until then, I’ll be dreaming of March…

xoxo

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