love and loss | part one

This is the week I have been painstakingly waiting for, to tell you that we were expecting a sweet little addition to our family.  Instead, it’s the week I’m telling you about how my heart was broken when we lost our baby.  I have so many thoughts on so many levels about this whole process and I need to get them out somewhere.  I am so completely vulnerable and naturally want to keep myself guarded, but I feel the urge to write.  And like most hard things I’ve written here on this blog, it’s helped heal my heart in ways I would never have known.  So here’s my story….

I went to Vegas for WPPI at 12 weeks along.  Just starting to feel a bit better after 8 long weeks of brutal morning sickness.  My belly was getting more difficult to hide by the week, and since I was so close to the end of the 1st trimester, I had stopped covering it so much and even dared tell a table of colleagues and friends as we were out to dinner.  For weeks I had been so excited about this news and I couldn’t keep the secret in any longer.  I was staying with a dear friend of mine who was also pregnant, just entering into her 3rd trimester, so naturally, we got along fabulously eating all the goodness Las Vegas had to offer.

On our last day of WPPI, just after our morning class, I started spotting.  I text my midwife who immediately text me back assuring me that it was probably nothing, but to let her know if anything changes or the bleeding picked up.  My sweet friend assured me that we could leave, but I thought I would be okay since we only had lunch and another class before we were planning on heading home.  I didn’t want her trip to get cut short only to find out it was nothing.

By lunch time, I was bleeding.

I walked out with a pit in my stomach to my dear friend and asked her if we could head home early.  I wasn’t feeling super panicked yet, but I suddenly got immensely homesick.  Cher asked me if I was okay and I quickly replied I was fine.  I didn’t realize how I felt until I called Brady and a lump formed in my throat and I didn’t know what I was going to say when he picked up.  I made it through our call and stayed relatively calm the whole way home.

As soon as we got there, I headed to my midwife’s house.  We hadn’t heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks but weren’t too concerned considering it’s only a 50/50 chance at that week and since I had been sick, we knew my hormone levels were raising.  I laid down to let her hear around in my growing belly.  I can’t explain what happened in that room, but I felt an immense peace wash over me.  I couldn’t hear anything, not a heart beat, not a word, not a breath.  I felt almost like I left my body for a moment and my head was completely calm and clear.  I asked Brady to take the girls out when we were through, they didn’t know what was going on but they were getting a little rambunctious and I needed peace as I listened to the words my sweet midwife was about to say.  As soon as they left, she began to prepare me for the “chance” that this was a miscarriage.  I still felt completely calm.. eerily calm, as we finished our talk.  The only words I could think to mutter to her were, “I feel like I knew this was coming.” and she just sweetly nodded back at me.

On the quiet car ride to my mom’s house for dinner, my brain felt completely and utterly scrambled.  I was trying to make sense of the last several hours but as hard as I tried, my brain could not wrap around the reality of what was happening.  Janae had left us with a, “It could be random spotting and that your baby is just really well hidden…” but I just knew.  I can’t explain it.. I just knew. 

We got to my moms and she could immediately tell something was wrong.  I felt exhausted.  As I opened my mouth to explain, the hot tears cut me off dead in my tracks.  Again I felt home sick.  I wanted to get out of there, I wanted to go into my own bed, I wanted to be able to comprehend what I was going through but I still just couldn’t.  I made it through dinner okay, telling everyone it could be this or it could be that.  I tried to be strong so I wouldn’t upset my girls or my step dad who kept looking at me with concern all over his face.  I felt numb to the world.

I text messaged Haley, the one person I knew I could be completely honest with, “couldn’t get a heartbeat.  we wont know until tomorrow’s u/s but it could be the start of a miscarriage.”

I went to lay by my husband on the couch, not even knowing how my feet were holding me up at this point.  As soon as I reached him, I could no longer hold in my sobs.

I asked for a blessing and he and my step dad gladly obliged.  I couldn’t stop crying, I kept trying but I could not stop.  So unlike me.

During my blessing, my knowing heart was reassured.  I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and I felt that he was with me in my suffering, that he would continue to stand by me, but no matter how much I wanted it, I was not having this baby.  I was given a feeling of peace and that got me through getting back home and getting the girls to bed.

I fell asleep snuggled up close to my little Stella.  An hour later, Brady came to get me so I could sleep in our bed.  I woke up hoping I had dreamed it all, but all too soon I realized it wasn’t a dream.  I went into the bathroom and there was more blood.  Like a knife to my heart.

I curled up in bed next to my husband and he asked me if I was okay.  I nodded, but I had no energy to even think about the question, much less answer it.  He grabbed my hand and said, “I’m here.  I’m right here with you.” and at this moment, I was so grateful I married Brady Leon Miller.  I was so grateful he was the one laying with me in this bed tonight.  I was so grateful that if I had to be with only one person in this time, it was him.

I rolled over and hoped sleep would resume.  This is always the time of night that I silently pray, that I unload.  But tonight, it just seemed too painful.  Like trying to hold it together, and then you hear your mom’s voice.  I just felt like I couldn’t pray tonight.  “I don’t even want to talk to you,” I thought.  But I knew that being angry with the Lord was a place I did not want to be.  I knew that He was the only one who could help me.  I began to pray, and I am truthful when I tell you I had never felt more pain in my life than I did right at that very minute.  I told Him I knew I wasn’t getting this baby, but I wanted it so much.  I told Him I trusted Him, but it was hurting me and I didn’t know how I could possibly endure this pain.  I began to weep like I’ve never wept.  Brady put his arm around me and I cried, and cried, and cried.  I cried into the morning hours, drifting off to unconsciousness for only a minute or two before the pain of my broken heart awoke me again and I cried some more.  I just didn’t want to do it.  All night, I kept repeating to myself, I just don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to do this.  I knew I had to call the doctor in the morning and face it all, and for the life of me, I just didn’t want to. 

At some point in the morning, as the sun started to light up my bedroom window, sleep found me.

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35 Responses to love and loss | part one

  1. Alexis March 21, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    Cass,

    I am so sorry for you loss. It is is so interesting you post this because 3 weeks ago I had a feeling you were expecting. I pray for healing, comfort, and continued peace. Hugs!

    Alexis

  2. marisol March 21, 2013 at 7:54 am #

    Right here with you, friend. Hugs!!!!

  3. McKenna March 21, 2013 at 8:06 am #

    My heart hurts for you. I cried through your entire post. I can’t imagine that pain and am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re an amazing strong women! Your family is so lucky to have you. Xo

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

      Aww, thanks so much, Mckenna. That really means a lot to me.Thanks for all the love! xoxo

  4. Jen March 21, 2013 at 8:12 am #

    I’m so sorry.. this is such a hard thing to go through. I miscarried at 10 weeks two years ago. I didn’t know anything was wrong till my first ultrasound. Praying for you : )

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:20 pm #

      Thank you, Jen. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Thank you for the prayers!

  5. Shio W March 21, 2013 at 8:14 am #

    First off, I just want to say how unbelievably brave you are to be able to write & share this with your readers. There are no perfect words you can hear that can take away your hurt & heartache more than the Lord can. I am glad that you have that faith & knowledge and He can be there for you along with your loving husband. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

      Thank you, Shio. Faith has been everything to me during this time and I’m so thankful I have it. Thanks for your kind words! xoxo

  6. haley March 21, 2013 at 8:26 am #

    Baby sister. Ive never understood why these things happen, why it happened to me or why on earth it could happen to you, the most kind, gentle, motherly lady I’ve ever met. But at this time, I am thankful God gave me that experience so I could know how to hold your hand through it. I’m so very proud of you. You are so candid and authentic. So present. You have life figured out a lot more than you take credit for. See you soon!

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      Hales.. What would I even do without you? You have been the very greatest support with everything and especially this. Thank you for showing me it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. I love you so much and I’m so grateful for you every single day. I can’t wait to see you!

  7. Joie March 21, 2013 at 8:49 am #

    No words. Just prayers from my heart that peace will return.

  8. Tammy H March 21, 2013 at 8:51 am #

    Cass I have no words that will comfort you in a time like this, I am at a complete loss. Know that I love you and if you need anything I will do my best to help you get it. Hugs my dear friend.

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

      You’re so sweet, Tammy. Thank you so much. You’re such a great friend and I would be lost without you! Thanks for sending me love today.

  9. Morgan March 21, 2013 at 8:59 am #

    I am sorry, Cass. What you’re going through is so hard. I hope you continue to hold onto those feelings of peace you have received. Lots of prayers and love coming your way.

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

      Thank you so much, Morgan. It is tough, but we’re making it through. Thanks for sending us love! xoxo

  10. Amanda March 21, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    My heart is hurting so much for you and your little family. I feel like this isn’t something you ever “get over” but I hope you find some peace with it. I’m so, so sorry.

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:39 pm #

      Thank you, Amanda. I think as time goes on, the pain will fade and perspective will grow and I’m looking forward to that. I know this will be with for life, though. Thanks for sending me and my family love today. Means so much. xoxo

  11. Kaely Mitchell March 21, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    Cassidy I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little baby. Before I had my little boy I lost two babies. It was the absolute hardest thing Braden and I have ever been through. Just know that the terrible pain of loss and longing for a baby will gradually turn into peace and hope for the time when you get to raise your baby in a world governed by the love of Christ!

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

      Kaely, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean more right now than you know. I’m so sorry you had to suffer through two miscarriages. i pray I don’t ever have to go through this again. I’m so glad you were able to have your sweet baby boy. Thank you for giving me some hope. xoxo

  12. Heidi March 21, 2013 at 11:44 am #

    I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t begin to come up with the right words to bring you any comfort, other then my most sincere and heartfelt prayers are being sent up to our Heavenly Father. My mommy heart hurts for you and for your loss.

  13. Two for the Money March 21, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    very good

  14. Trista March 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    Cass, I cried through your whole post. I am so sorry this happened to you. I will be here for you always love you so much xoxo

  15. Leah March 21, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    So, so sad for you, sweet lady. I know I don’t really know you, but I’m so thankful I found your blog and I feel like I know you from reading it. I can’t even begin to imagine how your heart is hurting. I’m praying for you, friend.

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

      Thank you so much, Leah. Thank you for supporting my blog and loving me well. Love to you, sweet friend!

  16. karli laier March 21, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

    I love you and I am so so sorry. This touches home on too many levels. I pray you’re ok and please know I am a good ear.
    I hurt so much for you.

    • Cass Miller March 21, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

      Oh, Karli. I definitely need to chat with you. You’ve been heavy on my mind anyway this month and then going through this I have thought about your and your sweet Brock often. Thanks for being such a good friend and being brave enough to share your story and inspiring me to share mine. Love you!

  17. Seester March 21, 2013 at 10:42 pm #

    I’m here for you seester! Love you so much! God is with you.

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