I am totally a resolutions girl. I love a clean slate, a fresh start, a blank canvas to create and make beautiful. It's one of my favorite things. This year, though. Ha! Girl.. This year.. I am crawling out of 2018. Barely off the ground. Shaky legs, broken heart and all. In 2018 my "present" was so painful, that I couldn't muster the energy to dream past it. The entire year went by, and all I could focus on was what was right in front of my face. That which was pulling at my body. That which was clouding up every space of my heart. AND STILL, through the hardest months of my entire life, I learned so much about myself. I learned so much when I was forced to look inside and begin repairing what had been broken. During my ...
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Hello New Year!
The first week of the new year is behind us! For the first time since I went online about a decade ago, I have taken some real time away from this online world. I have taken a lot of time to reflect, to heal, to look inside myself about why I share, why I feel the way I feel, why I believe what I believe. It's been a hard thing to do, but the process of grief lead me here, and I'm grateful for all I'm learning. My hope is that when I feel more open to sharing, I can do so with intense purpose, and teach others what I have learned along the way. I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel amazing to have a fresh start in 2019. I may have to push myself a bit to believe it, but I am showing up with that belief each day until it feels ...
time away
For the first time in over a month, I have felt compelled to click on this ever familiar "Add New Post" button. I think it's the longest I've been away from here, and I've been distant for a while before that too. I never feel the need to explain or apologize any time away from social media or the internet world, I think that is pretty self explanatory to anyone. Everyone needs time away sometimes. I do, however, feel the need to explain myself a bit coming back. This year has been weird. Seriously, and also terribly, weird. My sister passed away this year, out of the clear blue, and that started a landslide in my life. I had so many plans and ambitions and dreams and goals for this year. Having my sister die was so not ...
a happy home is a haven to all
Last year around this time, we were walking through houses, entertaining the possibility of selling our first fixer-upper and buying a home that better suited our family's next chapter (#suburbia). I was the one that had a particularly hard time with this, because I had become very emotionally invested in our first home. I turned my heart to prayer, because I was feeling so conflicted in what the right decision was for our family. When we walked through this house, I thought of our furniture. I had an odd idea of how many of my family members I could sleep in this house, if need be. I thought of holidays I could host, things like that. I pictured my home full of my nieces and nephews with couches made into beds, and the guest ...
It smells like fall
This morning I tiptoed down my stairs, in a quiet house. My brain finally wakes me up before my children after months (years?) of practicing. Not this morning, Harlo is already up working away on something in the school room. That's when I got the first whiff. The crisp morning air hinting at fall. I've been dreading the end of summer, but at this first hint of fall, I almost immediately feel longing. Am I ready for crisp mornings, golden light sneaking up over the mountain behind our home? The dewy earth on my morning walks? Am I ready for zipping on a sweater, and four little sweaters behind me, as we head to the park for our school days? Am I ready for weekly soup nights, cozy blankets around the breakfast table, and ...
Six Months | Life After Loss | Grieving
Days after my sister passed away, I suffered from a horrible panic attack. In those days following my sister's sudden death, I was so shaken that my body involuntarily trembled for days. I laid on my dear friend's couch - a friend who had also suffered the type of loss I was suffering. I sobbed and sobbed, asking her when I would feel better. "Six months?" she honestly offered. It sounded like a lifetime away. Surely I could not survive six months of this. Today I woke up to six months since the morning I got that earth-shattering phone call. The day feels heavy to wake up to, a reality I have been forced to carry, but each night I hope it floats away in my sleep. I think back to that day I lay trembling, tears streaking ...
