I had a really unique and touching experience this week and it has inspired my outlook for this blog so much.
On Sunday, we went to someone else’s church to see off a friend on an LDS mission. While we were there, I noticed a friend of mine who was fresh from having a baby. We happened to be at her ward this week. I waved as I bounced my restless baby in the back row and snuck a peek at her little newborn snuggled close to her. Just as the meeting was coming to a close, I passed her again in the back and quickly whispered to her that I was glad to have seen her and asked how she was doing. She told me she was doing great and before she hurried off to feed her babe, she mentioned that she was glad to have run into me because she wanted to thank me for allowing April to post my birth video. She said that she had watched it just two days before giving birth to her own baby and that it really helped her and empowered her to walk into her own natural birth confidently. Right as she spoke these words to me, my eyes began to fill with tears. I couldn’t believe it. I was so flattered, so honored, so grateful that we could have shared this beautiful experience together in some way. I thanked her so much for telling me and as she walked away, the closing hymn began… “Because I have been given much, I too must give.” One of my favorite hymns were such a clear and definite answer to my prayer.
My body trembled as tears streamed down my cheeks, holding my own little miracle babe, in whose birth I was changed miraculously and forever. Because I have been given much, I too must give. I thought. And I haven’t been able to get the phrase out of my head since.
Here’s the thing,
I was blessed to have had a good friend video my birth with Grae and even though I have been so thrilled with the outcome of the video, I have felt a little too vulnerable to share it. Because it’s a home birth, I’ve been worried about the criticism. Because it’s me, I have worried about the judgement. I have wondered truly where to draw the line with what I share and what I don’t share here. As the number of followers I have has gone up, so has my anxiety and my walls to guard myself. I think too much before I post things, and I’ve been waiting for some answers about this. How much is too much? You know?
Because my videographer (April Davis) is a talented and dear, dear friend of mine and I am so proud of her work, I agreed to let her post it on her great lifestyle blog and decided to wait to post it on mine until I felt a little better about it. Honestly, I’ve just been putting it on the back burner. But when I ran into Andee, I knew that it was time to share it. Because it is an important part of our story. Because it changed me as a woman. Because I am able to share the joy and love and beauty I’ve been blessed with and pray sincerely that it may bless someone else.
My favorite article of faith says this,
We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
So today, I am sharing with you one of the very best, most trying, incredible, painful, miraculous, soul-changing days of my life.
A huge thank you to April for being there to document this video, Errin Andrus for taking pictures, my darling doula and birth-assistant Trisha who has blessed my life, my marriage with Bradley classes and for being so comforting to me during the births of my girls. To my sweet midwife Janae for being the best woman and midwife I have ever known – for teaching me how to be a woman and for sweetly helping me welcome my babies earth-side. My gratitude has no words!
And to my love, Brady. For being my partner in this life and my biggest supporter. For loving me fully and completely and without hesitation. For seeing our babies into this world with me and raising them along side me. I love you.