For the last few weeks I have been distracting myself with various mind-consuming subjects, like lunch boxes (we’re using these), and school clothes (mostly shopped here) because my heart can’t handle thoughts of sending these babies of mine to school – especially Harlo who will now be going full days (insert weepy sob here).
Last night, after a long day, this reality hit me particularly hard. My achy heart felt heavy. I got onto instagram for my nightly distraction and I saw this beautiful quote on my dear friend Britney’s instagram feed.
“Do you know one reason why mothers love their children so much? Because they sacrifice so much for them. We love what we sacrifice for and we sacrifice for what we love.”
-Ezra Taft Benson
It was a message directly to my heart. I spent the rest of my night thinking about it. I have sacrificed so much for my children – even if it hasn’t felt like much of a sacrifice. I have sacrificed my work, time, energy, sleep, body, thoughts, prayers, and entire heart for these children. I have dedicated the last 7 years of my life completely to them. I have stayed awake at night worrying and praying over them, I have spent hours of my life preparing meals for them, I have spent every thought placing them before myself. It has been a lot of work, and the most fulfilling work I’ve had. That’s why it’s so hard for me to hand the reins over and trust their care to some one else, some place else than my loving home for the majority of their precious little days.
I am still licking my wounds from last year’s trials and wrestling with the Lord about what is right for this family of mine. And I think I’ve had such a hard time deciding which school, which teacher, which path to take because none of them are my ideal. I wish I had more time for care-free days at home. I wish I could have been prepared for how quickly these days would come. I wish I could pause time and keep them close and safe for just a little while longer. But God is gently nudging me to let her go and spread her wings a bit – she’ll be home and safe soon, He reminds me. She needs this time for herself, He guides.
So I will sacrifice my time of having them home with me, because I love them and will do what is best for them. I will be so happy for them. I will smile big for their first day of school with tears welling up in my eyes. I will make cookies while they are gone and check the clock every few minutes until they arrive. I will listen eagerly about their days when they come home, and kiss them and smother them with love and tell them how much I missed them while they were away. I will do it because I am their mother, and I love them deeply.