Tag Archives | love and loss

Tag Archives | love and loss

Life after Loss

One of my top three most clicked on posts is my love & loss post where I wrote about the story of my miscarriage.  I followed up a bit here and there as I healed from that loss, but I felt inspired to write a few things down of how I’m (honestly) feeling after having 2 years of perspective.

I was really surprised by how much hurt I felt when I had a miscarriage.  I have seen many mothers walk through it and seem almost unscathed. I think that’s what made me want to write about it, because I didn’t feel unscathed.  I felt wounded deeply, and I felt alone.  I receive so many emails of mothers walking through their own loss who have found my posts to be a help and I am so grateful for that.  I am so grateful that through this space, we can be connected as sisters of loss.  I pray for each person who writes me and shares their stories of loss with me.  It truly touches my heart and I am so glad we have each other to heal together.

The pain of my loss, in it’s entirety, didn’t last forever.  Those first days waking up seemed to hurt so much.  The weight of it was so heavy I could barely breathe.  One thing that astounded me then and continues to do so is that I had never felt more peace than through that pain.  I felt so close to heaven.. I mean, I felt heaven almost tangible.  It was breathtaking.  I have never felt so close to God before as I did in those days and weeks following losing my baby.  (Which when I type comes with a sting – even now.)  I had never experienced that Grace before and I am so happy to know it – to have lived through it.  God is with us in our times of need.  For me, it was as if He was sitting right beside me as I wept through my disappointment.

The sting slowly faded.  At first my mornings were filled with the that sharp sting – wake up and sting.  Then my mornings got easier, but when I would walk past the nursery, sting.  Sometimes a few days would go by before I would feel that familiar sting.  Soon weeks were going by with more hope than pain, but certain dates would stick out with a sting.  Even my next pregnancy came with a side of sting.  Then even months would go by and I would notice that I hadn’t felt that familiar sting for a while.  My heart was healing.  Sometimes, I have friends and follower-friends who share their losses with me, and I feel that sting for them.  This kind of sting comes with a huge pouring of love.  I’m glad I can feel what they’re feeling, even if just a little bit.  I am glad I can help carry the burden – because I felt others help carry mine.  I still get that familiar sting every once in a while, but I take it as a good little reminder from what I’ve overcome, what I have waiting for me, and what I have here on this beautiful earth.  Where the sting used to accompany pain, it now accompanies peace, acceptance, happiness.

One thing I haven’t shared here is the day I actually passed my miscarriage.  It was a hard, long, emotional day and much too personal and sacred (and painful) to recount, but one of the harder moments of my life.  It was March 26th – after weeks of my body holding on since the whole process had started.  I didn’t know how I would heal from that day, but God did.  It took us some time both emotionally and physically, but I found out I was expecting later that Summer.  I was due none other than March 25th that next year.  When the clock struck midnight on March 26th, my labor started.  I thought about the year before when I was deep in labor to deliver a disappointing loss, and now I was handed my sweet baby from heaven, a year later, on March 26th.  A year to the day.  What a sweet tender mercy, and one that still gives me chills as I write it.

I do hope to have more children, and that fear of loss is still very much there.  I have felt it, and know how real it is.  That fear plagued me in my pregnancy after loss.  Each midwife appointment, each ultrasound, each trimester turning came with anxiety and fear. But God heard me in my prayers and carried me through until the end.  He still carries me.  While I hope I never have to experience that type of loss again, loss in some form will come.  And I will understand it just a bit better the next time I think.  I will trust in a God who carries me through, even when I feel like I can’t go on.  I will not live in fear, and I will hope for more healthy pregnancies, and sweet smelling newborns, and children to fill my home.

  (ashley flowers photography)
Because life after loss still goes on, and life is still just as sweet.

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fashion friday | surprise!

It’s true!  We are expecting our third little Millie in early spring.
We are over the moon, as you can imagine.  I don’t think the girls have stopped talking about it since we told them a few weeks ago.
We’ve had a couple of appointments so far, and things are looking great!  I’ve been sick-sick-sick, but I’m just starting to feel a bit better.  Fingers crossed this is the end of the nausea!

I don’t have much of a fashion friday, but from here on out, fashion friday will have the additional challenge of dressing the bump.

 shirt : h&m | pants : ross | shoes: target | gold watch : target | gold jewelry : h&m
hair : how to here

Right now I’m still in that “is she pregnant, or did she just have a big lunch?” phase.. it’s my least favorite one.
In fact, the first trimester is my least favorite for a lot of reasons, but that is just the start of it.
When I feel like C-R-A-P all the time, it makes it even worse if I don’t look a bit put together, so I’ve really tried to make an effort.
I’m surviving on looser shirts that conceal the “belly”, but if it sneaks out a bit, that’s fine too.
I’m all about embracing the bump when it gets a little bigger, but right now, tight clothes aren’t my friend.
I’m still fitting (snuggly) into my pants, but can’t quite button anymore.  I zip as far as I can, then tuck the buttons inside the pants.. this gets rid of the bulky “button trick” with a rubber band.
A wedge sandal is my new bestie.  When I’m starting to get wider everywhere else, I need some height to even it out.
I have embraced the worlds easiest hair – air drying.
And a quick HAC has become an essential part of my day-to-day.

So far, these are my go-to survival tips for the first trimester.  I’ll be sure to share a lot more along the way!
Until then, I’ll be dreaming of March…

xoxo

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what would have been

It has been 6 weeks since my miscarriage.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday and most days it feels like a lifetime ago.

I haven’t written much about it since it happened and I wanted to document for myself what I’m feeling now.  What I might feel a few months from now, a year from now…

Most days my pregnancy feels like a dream.  Like a foggy dream that I’m not quite sure yet if it still really happened to me.  I have been lucky to have two busy little girls that have kept my life  moving forward.  But lately it’s been on my mind a lot. I feel like I have made peace with a lot of my miscarriage.  Trusting that it wasn’t time for our family, holding to our faith and working to better ourselves because of it.  Sometimes the agony creeps up on me and grabs a hold of my heart and feels like it’s never going to fully let go.  As each Saturday rolls by, my body can’t help but imagine itself at 16, 17, 18 weeks along.   I try not to think about it, but little waves come rolling in and crash over my heavy heart.  The announcements of other women due the same month as me, my friends who I would have loved to share this journey with but am again forced to accept that it wasn’t my time.

It wasn’t our time, little one, but I know we’ll get it someday.  

Some days I’m thankful for the opportunity I have to work on my little family of 4.  That I get a second chance at just focusing on my two little girls.  Other days baby fever hits and it always comes with a sting.   I have worked so very hard on not being bitter.  Not being angry.  Feeling what I need to feel and letting it pass through my soul in God’s time.  Truly letting go, and letting God.  But I am human and I do have moments of longing for more and wondering why, thinking it’s not fair, wanting to guard this battered heart of mine.

For the most part, I am just so surprised by how God heals our hearts.  Especially from things that seems impossible to heal from.  I do think about that baby every day, but not everyday comes with pain.  Sometimes – most times – it comes with hope.  It comes with peace.  It comes with excitement of the future.  It comes with immense strength.  I have learned by that sweet baby who briefly touched my life just how strong I really am.  So much stronger than I thought.

I do believe that everything happens in God’s time and for His reasons even when we cannot see them.  This one was a tough one for me to see.  Because why?  Why couldn’t I have just had that baby?  I would have loved it so much.  I would have taken such good care of it.  We would have given it such a wonderful life here.  Why couldn’t we just keep it?  But trusting isn’t my strong point.  I wanted to know the answers right now, but with this, I couldn’t.  I cannot know the answer right now.  I can either be angry about that, or I can trust.  Just what I’m not very good at.

I will choose to trust rather than to be angry.  Because it’s what I need to do.  Because it’s the only thing I can do.

And I will also hope.  I will hope for my future.  I will hope for that baby.  I will hope for a better time.

One day, little one.  One day.

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ask me anything

I am working on some new stuff for the blog and I need your help!

Is there anything that you would like to hear more about from me?  I would love some input.  If you have any questions for me about photography, beauty tips, love, loss, parenting.. etc. comment or email me and I’d love to write more about it.  You sweet friends that read this mean so much to me and I’d love to know what you’d like to hear more about. :)

That being said, I have been wanting to say thank you SO much for the sweet love, the messages and comments, the calls and texts, everything that was given to me during my miscarriage and writing my love and loss posts.

I thought I’d answer some of the questions/comments I got regarding these posts.

The most common thing I heard was “you’re so brave for writing about this!” or “I can’t believe you’ve opened up about something so personal on such a public space,” or “when it happened to me, I didn’t want anyone to know.”  and I think all of these are totally valid comments.  So here’s my take on things…

On being “brave” for writing about this, I didn’t really feel like that.  I wasn’t writing about it to be brave or not.  I wrote about it because writing is how I cope with things.  I need to talk things out and sometimes I can’t express the things I really need to by having a conversation.  Some of the feelings I felt during my miscarriage were very raw and real and painful and it would have been hard for me to explain those things to someone in conversation.  Especially the people I loved who just wanted to know I was okay.  By writing them out, it gave my loved ones a glimpse of what was going on inside my head and it gave me an outlet.  I felt such peace and closure with each post I wrote and I knew it was what I needed to do.  The writing was therapy on it’s own and the kind and loving response I got was completely unexpected.  With each message of love, support and concern, I felt my heart healing piece by piece.  It might seem brave to someone else, but for me, it’s just something I needed to do.

Some people were a little stunned by me writing such a personal experience for the world to see.  I agree it was very personal and yes, anyone can stumble upon this blog.  But this blog is MY space.  My very own little piece of the internet.  I like to think the people who come here are kind and loving and would be people I would be friends with if we weren’t separated by distance.  I wouldn’t have wanted this published in TIME magazine or on TMZ or something that wasn’t my own.  But the readers who frequent here know me in a sense.  They get a feel for my heart and what I go through on a daily basis.  I didn’t feel violated by posting because it was on my terms, on my space, with my people, so to speak.  It felt safe to me and it made me realize how grateful I am that I have a gracious little community here.  It was something I needed to realize.  So sharing this type of experience publicly may not have worked for everyone, but it was good for this little heart of mine.

Others  mentioned not wanting to share their experience with anyone when they were going through it.  Some confided in me and hadn’t really ever told anyone.  I can completely imagine feeling this way.  There was a side of me that wanted to shut everyone out and pretend nothing was happening, too.  But.  I felt an urge to share my story.  There is not anything on the pages of this blog I didn’t feel the divine urge to write.  Some things I have shared right away, and some I have waited for the right time.  As soon as I went through this, I knew I needed to share.  Maybe for those people who want to shut the world out.  I told Brady, if I can even help one person feel less lonely going through this, I will share every word from the depths of my soul.  And I did.  I know one person I for sure helped sharing my story, and that person is myself.  If anyone else has felt companionship reading it, that to me is absolutely priceless.  It took me a long time to share my experience with postpartum depression, but I kept feeling a nagging feeling to write it and once I did, I realized my heart had healed from it in a way I never knew it could.

Another thing I heard was appreciation of how “real” I have been about it.  To me, this is the very best compliment anyone could give.  I believe there is something so beautiful and pure about the human experience.  I believe God created all our emotions – the good, the bad, the sad – and there is something to be learned from each of them.  My experience was a very real experience and I didn’t want to do it any injustice by sugar coating it.    When I started this blog, I knew I didn’t want to just share the happy outings or the silly parts of our life.  I wanted to share it all because it’s important to me to have it documented.  One day, I imagine my girls reading this as they may have young families of their own and while my memories fade, I know my stories wont.  Real is exactly my goal.  How I write, how I shoot photography, how I live my life.  I crave being real and I hope to strive for that each day.

So how am I doing now?  This question I’m hearing daily right now.  The answer is, I’m doing well.  My perspective is still small and my heart still stings with remembrance, but we’re getting through it.  I see beauty and hope in every day.  My perspective in faith has grown the most and for that I am so grateful.  I feel like I get some extra time with my little family of 4 and I am totally content about that.  Stella gets to be my baby for just a bit longer and she is totally content about that. ;)  Through good times and bad, this life is a wonderful one if we can only choose to see it.  God has been so good to me and I don’t feel anything but totally blessed.

xo, C

 

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