Tag Archives | LDS life

Tag Archives | LDS life

grace

It’s 1:18pm.

My house is quiet and kidless (besides that napping baby) for the first time in nearly two weeks.  This may be the first time I’ve been by myself with my own thoughts for as long.

Sometimes I think of the constant and endless strain on me as a mother, and sometimes that overwhelm nearly swallows me up.  I felt that way yesterday afternoon.  That I didn’t have one more ounce of myself to give, but still hours left in the day to do so.  I found myself finding patience the next time Grae asked for her 2,304th request of the day, I graciously gave to her what she asked even though I didn’t feel like I could.

 Grace.

I find this place in motherhood often, where God’s grace sustains me further than my imperfect human body can go.  When I feel like shouting at the kids to leave me alone, but instead sigh and say “What baby? Another snack?  You bet.” walking my tired body back to the pantry and delivering the smallest detail of the world to one of my children.

“I love you, mom. You’re the best.” Grae says back.

Grace.

Fills me up and readies me for the next task motherhood will toss my way.

Grace.

As a mother, I take my days in sections, the morning time, lunch and afternoon section, the bewitching hour (that seems to last the majority of the day even though it is only found between 4-6pm), and finally, dinner and bedtime.

In tougher circumstances, like when my babies are learning to sleep by themselves, or the post partum depression is raging, or the day took a turn for the crazy.. I even take them minute by minute to get me through.  So far I’ve had a 100% chance of making it.

Grace.

Motherhood for me has been the biggest example of God’s loving grace, motherhood is basically “God’s grace for dummies“.  I’ve always noticed His grace, and perhaps taken it for granted.  But it’s been on my mind, and I seem to have found a whole lot of it lately.

I am so grateful that the days or years or minutes I fall short, God is there to pull me through the rest.  I know this is true for every person willing to accept, and learn it.  People can be tricky, and thoughtless, and mean, and careless, and certainly imperfect.  But God never is.  God is constant, and good, and on my (and your) side.  Do you know that?  I mean really, really know it?

I do.

I hope you do, too.

 

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on doing hard things

I have felt reluctant to write, or talk much these past few weeks.  I am typically so focused on joy and all the many many good things life offers, and so it’s been strange and unsettling walking through such a dark time when joy and good feelings seem so far away.

But I am also learning and changing so quickly, I’m afraid if I don’t find the words now, they may escape me later when my heart is feeling lighter and more full of hope, and love, and goodness   .  My heart is still very much full of those things, but with the heaviness of grief poured over it.

This has been a time of deep reflection for me.  As much as I want to escape myself and what I’m feeling, the only way through that is to look deep down and be brave enough to feel all of the feelings, let them wash over me and let the light bring me back to my feet, time after time after time.  Get used to that pattern, and let it teach me and better me each passing time.

I am feeling lost and almost unrecognizable to myself as I walk through this grief, but I’ve also been able to extend myself love and grace to BE whatever I need to be in this time – easier than any other time.

A dear friend, who is farther down a similar path I’ve just started on, recently wrote me.  She said, “You will be met with darkness you couldn’t have ever imagined.. and the light will be equal in radiance to balance and overcome that darkness in every way.  I PROMISE YOU.”

Her words rang so true to me, because I have already experienced that.  This place of sorrow that must only closely resemble the feelings of hell; right there was God, also.  Literally holding me in His steady embrace.  Knowing the feelings I was having were too much to bear, and holding onto what I myself couldn’t.  I have felt the power of angels, on both sides of the veil, doing the Lord’s good and loving work in my  life.  I have been lifted — actually lifted by prayer, soothed by loving words, carried through by endless amounts of service – big and small.  I have seen how it works now, and that we all, at every single second, can be used for God’s greatest good.  What a beautiful new way I am seeing the world, through the shady glasses of my own despairing grief.  This world is beautiful, and our pain is used for our good and His glory.

I am writing to you from a place where I am unsure if I CAN DO HARD THINGS, but here I am being called to DO HARD THINGS anyway.  I pray that I can cling to faith, and pull through this gracefully.  Coming out the other side more whole and full of His love and light than ever before.

 

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under control

Today I woke up early enough to greet my kids up to get ready for school.  I let Mr. Miller sleep in as he has let me do so so many days these past couple of weeks.
The babies slept in with their dad, and I took the girls to school, sipped on my morning drink, and listened to my  audio book.
Not unlike I do every single morning.
But these mornings have been filled with immense grief, reflection, prayer, hope, and sadness these past couple weeks.
I am reminded again that God has us, He holds us in his tender care.
Everything is under control” my book reminds, a tender mercy from heaven.
After Mr. Miller reluctantly leaves for work, I get my hands busy tidying my house.
Boy does it need it’s normal,  functioning mother to run it.
It feels good to bless my family by getting my hands busy.
My heart is full of love and sadness, but the love helps hold the weight of grief from crashing down.
The grief rolls in in waves, in the little details and memories that come in so easily, and crash down so hard.
Everything is under control, I’m reminded.
I rock my baby extra long, just like I have been doing these past weeks.
My heart is healed by each session of singing lullabies together, snuggling, laughing, tickling, touching.
In the afternoon, Grae makes art while I plan out some outside landscape.
The spring air rolls in through the windows, the hope of summer tickling our noses.
Light fills the house, love swells, and the weight lessens.
Everything is under control.

 

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my sister angie

Oh my dear blog readers,

I have been coming to this place for nearly ten years, sharing mostly about happy things and positive outlooks, and today I’m here to tell you that something terrible has happened in my life, my entire family’s lives.

On March 27, 2018, I got my first soul-shaking, devastating phone call.  My beautiful older sister, Angie, had passed suddenly in her sleep.

Our dear Angie, just 38 years old, leaves behind her own beautiful family.  A loving husband, and three wonderful children.

My oldest sister has been my constant rock throughout my life.  Being ten years younger, we shared a room when I was an infant and she would get me up in the night and take me to my mom to feed me.  I was her own personal baby,  and she was my own personal role model through my entire life.  She tolerated me trying to dress exactly like her growing up, including but not limited to, stuffing my bra at the tender age of 4 so I could resemble more closely my post-puberty older sis.  Ang was a stinker like most teenagers, and she would have never let my parents know what a good big sister she was.  Often she would invite me along to cheer practice with her, she’d invite me along with her friends to run to get slushies or treats (them being 16, me being 6), I’ve even been on a handful of dates with her.  I grew up wanting to be exactly like my big sister.

Angie moved out just before her 18th birthday, and that worried me that I wouldn’t see her as much.  But my sister was a good one.  I couldn’t count the sleepovers and movie nights with treats and snacks we enjoyed.  She grew up and got married, but still kept our close relationship strong.  Angie made my life when she got pregnant with our first nephew .  Some of my favorite memories were watching episodes of friends on DVD while I got to be the first to feel the baby move, get hiccups, and talk about baby names and what it was going to be like when that baby arrived.

On August 24, 2002, my life was forever made with the arrival of Angie’s precious son, Brakken.  I loved that baby like I had never known love before.  Angie was the best at sharing her motherhood with us, and we enjoyed being Brakken’s bonus mamas/aunties.  Ang let me and my sisters tote him around highschool football games, keep him for sleepovers, and literally spend every free moment we had at her house doting over our sweet boy.  As a teenager, I moved in with Ang as my first step to the real world, and there we spent every single night up giggling into the wee hours.  I kept Brakken at my new apartment the night she went into labor with Maizee and was among the first to meet that glowing baby girl.   And when Tage was born, I drove up to visit him on day 3, before my sister’s milk had come in, but my milk supply was bursting being away from my own nursing baby.  “Perfect!” she said “I was just going to fix him a bottle, but now I don’t have to.” as she handed her hungry newborn to my leaking chest.  We are sisters in every sense of the word.

Angie has always been the one to have the hard conversations with me, the one to lend me my first car loan, taught me to be the overly responsible adult that I am, and lead by ferocious example.  So much so that I feel lost in the world without her to run my every adult decision past.  I was a lucky baby sister, and boy do I realize it now.  Never have I had to live with such a hole in my heart before.  I have no idea what the healing of that will look like, and I ask for prayers that I might be able to start.

Words can’t express how devastating this news has been to our family, and to literally hundreds of friends who loved my sister.

We have also seen her in the details in a thousand different ways.  We have felt her beautiful spirit close to our hearts, and I have started to learn more directly what it means to have my own very special angel in heaven.  The Gospel is one of everlasting life, and while that has always been a sweet and dear thought, I am learning what it means to cling to that as absolute truth, and the steadiness that brings as I try and grasp this new phase of my sister’s life; this new phase of my own life.

We have so many prayers and well wishes on our behalf, I am so grateful.  These selfless acts have lifted me and my family up in this heartbreaking time.  I ask for your continued love and prayers and we piece our lives back together after this tragedy.

An account has been set up to support the financial aspect of this tragedy for those that feel lead, HERE.

 

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