It’s not a secret that parenting is the hardest job in the world. You hear it all the time. I love being a mom, obviously. It fulfills me in ways I could have never imagined. It comes so natural to me. But it’s the most important job I’ve ever had, and that makes it really hard sometimes. Knowing when to rock and when to let them cry it out. Knowing when to let it pass, or when to discipline. Knowing how to not pull your hair out in the throws of potty training… this job has tested me more than I could have ever imagined.
Lately I’ve been thinking about my parenting style. I hadn’t really ever thought about it until one day my sister-in-law had told me she had gotten a book on attachment parenting and wanted my tips since I was a good “attachment parent”. Before this minute, I had never considered myself an attachment parent. I had never really considered myself any kind of parent. A good one, I hoped, but I had never really thought about it before then. At church, Brady and I have been taking the family strengthening class and it’s been really great. It’s made me reflect on my own parenting and has helped me to be more intentional about my parenting.
I ran across this graphic a few weeks ago and really, really loved it. It definitely fits my style of parenting and I wanted to share it here.
I think a lot of parents get stumped on having different kinds of kids. They have their rules and disciplines set out for the whole family, but sometimes that doesn’t work for every child in the family. From the very beginning of my girls’ life, I realized how different they were. I mean, from pregnancy they were polar opposites. What Harlo liked as a baby, Stella didn’t care for. What Stella enjoyed, Harlo didn’t. As they grew into toddlers, these differences became even more apparent. Harlo eats the most in the morning, Stella eats most at nights. Harlo is particular in what she wears, how she has her hair, etc. Stella is really not particular about anything at all. Stella is busy! Always getting into something, climbing on things, touching things she knows she shouldn’t. Harlo is very well behaved that way, never into anything she’s not supposed to be. Always my little helper. It became very apparent that my parenting style was going to have to be slightly different with each of them.
One of my girls fits the “fun-loving child” perfectly and the other is 100% my “sensitive child”. When Stella is upset, it’s almost always because she’s tired or bored. She doesn’t like to be too cooped up, and she likes to play with me. If I’ve been working too much in the morning, Stella’s behavior is my first clue. Rather than disciplining her for acting out, I know that she needs more from me. By simply engaging with her or getting out a game to play, or taking a walk outside with her, I can solve both of our problems and no tears were involved. Harlo is my little tender heart. She plays well by herself, but she gets very emotional if she hasn’t had enough attention, or if she hasn’t had much say in her day. When she starts crying over small things, I know that I need to connect with her. Sometimes all she needs is me to hold her for a few minutes. She likes playing quiet games with me like board games. She likes doing things with me and helping me with projects. Fighting her to act right only amplifies our problems.
Of course there are times when the girls misbehave or throw tantrums and they need some time to themselves. Sometimes we have to facilitate time outs or take away privileges, but I’ve found that staying connected with our children and listening to their behaviors, we really don’t have a lot of disciplining to do. I hope to stay close with my kids through their life. I want them to be raised in a home full of gentleness and grace and comfort. Being intentional about how I’m raising them is so important to me.
Do you think much about your parenting style? I’d love to hear about it.
Happy parenting, friends!
xo, C
Leah
Very interesting! 🙂 I just read something similar in a book… My kiddos, Eli (8) and Emma (3) are very different… Eli is more of the Fun-Loving Child and Emma is more of the Determined Child. I’m not sure about little Abe (6 weeks) yet… I also read that sometimes it’s more difficult to to raise a child who is different than you… I definitely know I have to handle them differently, but I’m still learning! 🙂 Happy Parenting!
Cass Miller
Leah, I think that’s definitely true. As my girls grow, I notice how one is more similar to me and the other is more similar to my husband in how they show/receive love, etc. I think the key is to observe that and not try to fit them all into the same mold. I once read the 5 love languages for children and that is a great book based on what you said here. I love the 5 love languages for marriages too. Very interesting read! 🙂
karli laier
Yep, Tru is my fun lover and Krae is the sensitive determined one! Kids are so neat. 🙂
Cass Miller
Awesome you have that figured out already! Kids really are. 🙂
Katie {Standpipe & Sprinkles}
I think Maile is a cross between The Sensitive Child and The More Serious Child. I haven’t heard of this book; I’m going to have to check it out!
I’ve only read one parenting book so far, in my journey (Maile will be 21 months tomorrow), and that was Parenting with Love and Logic. A lot of it, I actually didn’t agree with; I felt that it placed too much responsibility on too young of children. Not that we, as parents, should be making their decisions for them, but I do believe our hand should be involved, guiding.
My biggest fear about parenting books is that they will change my instincts. That is, that they’ll make me question them, or feel like I have to follow a certain “formula” in order for Maile to be raised well. Isn’t that their schtick, after all?
That being said, I also got some great ideas from Love and Logic (like giving Maile choices, when she’s frustrated, whiny, or having trouble expressing herself). So, there’s the positive aspect of parenting books!
The one you’ve recommended here looks different, and I like that! Thanks for the tip.
Cass Miller
Hey Katie,
I think that is a very valid point. When my first baby was brand new, I read “BabyWise” and while there were some things that made sense (eat, wake, sleep cycle) there were other parts that didn’t sit well with me. (crying it out.. at VERY young age) In that book I learned that while it had some good suggestions, it wasn’t called HARLOwise and ultimately I needed to parent to how I felt comfortable. From then on, every parenting book I read I take somewhat with a grain of salt. I look for the aspects that jive with me and leave the ones that don’t. Like I mentioned here, all our kids are different! There is no one book that will fit perfectly for our parenting style and our children’s learning style.
Thank you for your input! I’m going to check out parenting with love and logic. 🙂
xo, C
erica
this is awesome cass!
i love it.
Cass Miller
Glad you like it, E! 🙂 xoxo
Amanda Campbell
Such a great post! I always love hearing about people’s parenting styles. Everyone does it different and every child is different. I just love reading all your posts and how you express you feelings you make me want to be a better person. Keep it up!
Cass Miller
You’re so sweet, Amanda! So glad you enjoy the blog.
Misty
really enjoyed this one
Alister
Very interesting and important post!
sepideh
oh its very nice
cw
good