Tag Archives | mom life

Tag Archives | mom life

Leaning into Faith

For a couple of months, Mr. Miller and I have felt a bit… restless.  I can’t explain it in any other way, just that there was a building up to a breaking point of sorts.  We started wondering if we were really doing what we were called to do here, and prayed for  God’s help in showing us.  Areas of our home life, work life, family life started shifting and we wondered what changes we needed to make that would be right FOR US.  So on one particularly tough Sunday, we prayed diligently, pleading with God to guide us to our next step, open to whatever that might be.

The next morning, a dear friend of ours approached us about buying our house.  Even though this was no where on our radar at the moment, we couldn’t help but feel how “coincidental” the timing was, and so we felt we at least had to hear the guy out, and explore our options.  As we stepped forward in faith, even though I really didn’t want to sell my house, I started seeing how wonderful of an opportunity this would be for my family.  The painful thoughts of leaving this dream home of mine faded with the peace and excitement of this opportunity.  I have come to know that God is the only way to feel peaceful, and where there is peace, there too, is God.  In the last decade of actively pursuing a relationship with God, I have let those same peaceful feelings guide me, and so I recognized that easily in this situation.

It is important for me to point out that God didn’t reveal what the whole plan was when this initial prompting of taking this opportunity happened.  This is where our faith really carried us.  We knew, and had faith, that if God provided us an opportunity as an answer to our prayers, He would lead the way.  So we continued in faith, even though we weren’t exactly sure where we would go once we moved from here.  We explored all of our options and kept moving forward until God would reveal to us our next step, having faith that He would.

In my own spiritual journey, a weakness I have is letting go of my own control.  God has to remind me of this ALL THE TIME, “I promise, I’ve got this Cass.  Go ahead and let go.” He whispers to my soul, and through white knuckles I try to ease my grip.  After years of practicing, I had the ultimate test when the day would come where I would have to sign the sellers contract on my sweet little cottage before knowing AT ALL where we were heading next.

We had seen multiple rentals, all of which fell through for one reason or another, we had friends offer us to stay at their homes, but with such an uncertain timeline that seemed hard to commit to… We had even reached the resolve that if worse came to worse, we would take this show on the road and live in our little trailer and travel for a few months until we sorted this all out.  I felt anxious and wrung up over every last option. (I also learned how DOWN I was for God’s plan, as I would have been willing to do any of these things had they felt right.)

So, on the last night it was possible, I signed the contract, making our sale official.  With not a single hint of what we would do next.  I pleaded with God what felt like that entire night, and felt a strong impression that help was on the way.  THE NEXT MORNING, my husband called from work asking if I could be ready in 20 minutes to go see the house I had coveted on the MLS site (knowing full-well I couldn’t buy it – we had planned to not even start with the home buying process until we could file our taxes which wouldn’t be for a few months, at least..  We had to be out of our home in 28 days.)  Brady told me he’d explain, and to get the kids ready.  Turns out, that morning’s meeting landed him with just the right person who would be connected to a real estate agent and a mortgage broker who worked mostly with business owners like us.  A call or two later, we were meeting the real estate agent at the dream house, and by that afternoon, we placed our offer.  Is your head spinning?  Let me say it again, that afternoon, we were placing an offer to buy the home I didn’t dare dream we could buy.  It was a spiritual trip to say the least.

Because the home buying process is never ever easy, I can’t say this process has been a breeze, or without it’s hiccups… but I can say that we have been guided every single step, and we have been 100% fine with whatever God had in mind for us – even if that meant facing our own disappointment for a time.  Of course, our God is one of grace and mercy.  Our suffering has been washed over with His peace time and time again when we’ve come up against trials in this process.

As I am writing, we are a couple of days away from closing on both homes, and we are still having to lean into faith over fear every single day.  There is still a chance things could fall through, and there is still a chance we’ll see another miracle in our lives come to completion.  I have faith in the latter, of course.

I will tell you that I don’t think I’ve ever had a time that was so apparent that God was working in our lives.  I mean, truly I would have never imagined this would be possible, and I hadn’t even dared dream beyond our home.  But God nudged me in the gentle, reassuring way only He does, and I am watching the next chapter of our lives unfold right before my very eyes.  How grateful I am to that hard time in my life ten years ago that lead me to God, that lead me to changing my life for His will that day and every day forward.  After ten years, I am still not over the miracles God has performed in my life and continues to perform in our lives. <3

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halloweenin’ 2017

I stand by my convictions that Halloween is the busiest day of the year for any mother in america.

Holy mother.

Up at 6:30 curling hair, doing full makeup on my 7 and 8 year olds, head to-to-toe attire on the babies, getting myself festive and ready – all to be out the door by 8:45am for the school parade — and that makes perfect sense since we will be up hours past bedtime eating candy later… who thought of the halloween schedule?  Whoooo???

This year I got smart and did my traditional dinner the night before Halloween.  Because adding cooking to the crazy has got ta go.  Plus everyone we knew invited us over for their traditional Halloween supper, so it totally worked out.

BUT, with all that said, I can’t hate Halloween.  I’m over it, sure.. but I have to love it every single year.  That minute I line my kids up on the bench to snap their photo.  Heart burst to the fullest.  I love planting seeds of magic into my children’s childhood, and Halloween is such a sure-fire way to do that.  It’s busy for mama, but worth it every minute seeing those smiling faces on a crisp and cozy fall night.

Like every other year, my kids needed no convincing for their costumes.  Harlo has wanted to be Evie since last Halloween when I sort of nudged her to be Taylor Swift. ;) Grae has been convinced about being “Super Gecko” for weeks now, and so that only left Stella to toss Major in with.  We considered Moana and Maui, but landed on a cheerleader and football player which seemed to fit oh-so-perfectly.  Not my most creative Halloween, but just as sweet as the rest!

Brady tossed on my old glasses and kept his work shirt on to complete the “computer nerd” look, and I quickly tossed on a witch hat to be a little festive.  Our costumes were an after-thought this year. ha! Next year!

Glad it happened, glad it’s over.  Cleaning up my house from Halloween decor feels SOOOO good, I’m not even tempted to bust out Christmas yet. :P Glad to have a few weeks.

Next up – my favorite holiday! Thanksgiiiiivvvviiiinnnngggg… Now that is a calm holiday I can get behind. ;)

Take a trip down Miller memory lane:

Halloween 2014
Halloween 2015
Halloween 2016

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Life Lately

Life lately is waking up to get kids off for school – oops! Late again… scolding myself on the way dropping off, “you should be more responsible!” “Being on time is mostly up to you!” “Set a freaking alarm, for crying out loud.  You are a 28 year old woman!” and then pep talking myself the whole way home, “You are doing the best you can.” “A few minutes late does not make you a terrible mother.” “We all have our strengths – your kids are not questioning your love for them today.” Woooo…  being a full time mama is an emotional roller coaster.

It’s coming home to freshly awake and groggy toddlers in my kitchen.  It’s snuggling while he drinks his “baba”, and tickling her back under her nightgown.  It’s changing diapers and changing clothes – SOOOO many clothes, I did not realize motherhood would basically be changing kids, finding shoes, and doing laundry.  That makes up the majority, bless my ever loving heart.

It’s being in the moment whenever possible.  How fleeting I see these days passing now.  Harlo is closer to being a teenager than a baby now, my goodness how quickly that passed.  I thrive on going for walks with my babies in the stroller, dog to my side.  I can take in my days and process my life in such a quiet, happy way.  My stroller has had a broken front tire for two weeks now and I am feeeeeling it physically, but mentally as well.  I have come to rely on those moments of groundedness in my day.  Time seems a little slower on my walks. Prioritizing those times for myself is necessary.

It’s taking a second for myself while the baby naps – the longer into this motherhood journey I venture, the less time for myself I find.  Balancing work, house work, relationships, downtime is becoming nearly impossible, but I’m embracing the way they crash all together at once, I guess.  Swirling around me in a beautiful string of life.  Realizing that life rolls in seasons, and what doesn’t make the cut this season can have some time in the next.

It’s sitting on the porch as the sun tucks behind our house, squealing with the babies when the bus rounds our corner.  Hearing all the things while I figure out supper, and sitting with a full heart at the dinner table with my entire family of six.  Finding more of myself as one of “the moms” and being completely content with whatever that means.  This is a good and bustling season.

Life lately has been relying completely on faith.  We have made some big decisions this year, and as we have prayerfully prepared for each one, we have felt guided and peaceful about the ones we’ve made, even when we’ve felt torn.  Grateful to be celebrating 10 years in faith this month.  What a decade it’s been.  My heart is overflowing recounting how my life has changed as I’ve built a relationship with God. Asking for grace, extending myself grace, and finding all the grace I can spread around the family, because the Good Lord knows we need it.  Where we fall short, there His Grace will be.

Good to be back, dear friends.  I love coming back here after some time away.  It’s like slipping on my favorite pair of jeans after being pregnant for 9 months. ;)

Feels good to be back!

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drowning in blessings

cassmiller – Just a happy little reminder left just for me on my sidewalk by one of my children. #tendermercy
If you are going through a stormy season, let me remind you that your rainbow is coming. God is with us in our trials and He never wastes a hurting heart. 💛

*********************

I have been dealing with a wave of depression over the last little while.  I know it’s depression, not only because depression has gotten so familiar to me, but when my life seems pretty smooth, everyone is doing well, things are busy and bustling and there’s nothing to be sad about, yet still I feel sad inside.  That is exactly what’s been going on here.

This morning, as I finished up my hour of gratitude, where I start my day noting all the things I am grateful for, I told Mr. Miller, “I feel like I’m drowning in blessings.” and that is exactly how I feel.  I am so grateful for this full and happy life, and sometimes it just feels like so much full and happy life.  I guess I’ll take that particular set of issues.

Depression isn’t something I chat about too much, even though it’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life.  Lately though, as I have been studying depression, post partum depression, depression in women, I have found some truths and statistics that troubled me.  Like, post partum depression being the highest complication after delivery, but only 7% of these women suffering get help.  I found this through my own research to find answers for my post partum depression, a very misunderstood and misdiagnosed form of depression.

I, of course, believe in living a healthy lifestyle.  I do all things possible to maintain a happy, healthy, and wholesome life.  These things include but are not limited to: eating habits, exercise, self care, therapy, good books, nights with friends, a good date night, resting, self love, down time, vacation, feeding creativity…  I believe everyone should be striving for these things on the regular.  IF MAMA AINT HAPPY AINT NOBODY HAPPY.  It is not bad mothering to enjoy life and prioritize taking care of your mind, body, and spirit.  That is actually great mothering.  You cannot fill anyone’s cup if yours is on empty.  Take time for yourself.

I (after exhausting all my options I could on my own) sought help from my OBGYN, because ya know, post-partum/women/childbirth…  but after they lead me kind of astray and I felt worse and more confused after their carelessness, I eventually found myself in the care of my primary care doctor, which is exactly where I should have been in the first place, I learned.  So, know that is where to go.  Depression you can chat to your primary care doctor about.  *And if you find one you like, keep them forever! (words from the wise here) His help might be lifestyle suggestions, different areas of therapy, hormone support, medication… there is a variety of different treatments, but just talking about it to someone safe might make the world of difference toward feeling better.

Do you know the signs of depression?  If you aren’t feeling yourself, if you can’t feel the joy that you can see all around you, if you have increasingly less energy that you typically have, or are finding yourself always feeling like you’re running on empty… these could all be signs of depression.  I have struggled with depression and post partum depression, and after each of my babies, my post partum depression has manifested itself differently.  Sometimes with anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes with all consuming, reason-less sadness, sometimes in extreme feelings of failure or never doing enough.  I muscled my way through it, and now that I have an entire family that depends on my emotional well being, I have had to prioritize myself and get the help and answers I needed to get better.

There is NO SHAME in self love, self care, self prioritization.  The more kids I have, the more I have to prioritize myself.  The weird thing is, the more kids I have, the less natural it feels for me to keep myself at top billing.  I have really kept to aligning my life with my relationships with God and myself as my priorities.  This is the only way I wont get swallowed up by the bits of life that can become consuming.

For me, this dance is not hardly ever graceful.  Or not ever.  I burn way out before I start asking for help, but I am learning that about myself, and looking for opportunities to be better.  Working on my own personal boundaries and figuring out what I can really fit on my plate.  And that’s it, just on my plate.  Not what is on her plate, or what the general area has on their plates in comparison to mine.  We all have a different place here, and it’s okay if I can only squeeze in one kid in a dance camp for the year and tell the rest Santa will only come if they sacrifice extra-curricular activities. (Just kidding, but really..) While other friends of mine seem to breeze through the web of organization it requires to maintain a bustling family schedule. (Looking to you here Liz, Jess, Amy…)  “Different” is not “less than”.  Run your race, let the others run theirs.

I am feeling better after a couple of tough weeks, and I pray that as I continue to learn about myself, I can heal faster, grow deeper in faith and love, care for myself better, and maintain a happier, healthier, more beautiful life.  At least, that’s the goal here.

If there is one thing that I have learned through this blog of mine, it is that we are not alone in our lives.  Not only is God with us, but He provides us angels all over in the world to connect with.  You all have been a blessing to me, and I care about us all too much to not sometimes talk about the important stuff.  If you are out there reading this, needing these reminders today, remember this: You are loved, you are thought about, you are prayed over.  You, my dear friend, are not alone.

 

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