Tag Archives | bits of me

Tag Archives | bits of me

Leaning into Faith

For a couple of months, Mr. Miller and I have felt a bit… restless.  I can’t explain it in any other way, just that there was a building up to a breaking point of sorts.  We started wondering if we were really doing what we were called to do here, and prayed for  God’s help in showing us.  Areas of our home life, work life, family life started shifting and we wondered what changes we needed to make that would be right FOR US.  So on one particularly tough Sunday, we prayed diligently, pleading with God to guide us to our next step, open to whatever that might be.

The next morning, a dear friend of ours approached us about buying our house.  Even though this was no where on our radar at the moment, we couldn’t help but feel how “coincidental” the timing was, and so we felt we at least had to hear the guy out, and explore our options.  As we stepped forward in faith, even though I really didn’t want to sell my house, I started seeing how wonderful of an opportunity this would be for my family.  The painful thoughts of leaving this dream home of mine faded with the peace and excitement of this opportunity.  I have come to know that God is the only way to feel peaceful, and where there is peace, there too, is God.  In the last decade of actively pursuing a relationship with God, I have let those same peaceful feelings guide me, and so I recognized that easily in this situation.

It is important for me to point out that God didn’t reveal what the whole plan was when this initial prompting of taking this opportunity happened.  This is where our faith really carried us.  We knew, and had faith, that if God provided us an opportunity as an answer to our prayers, He would lead the way.  So we continued in faith, even though we weren’t exactly sure where we would go once we moved from here.  We explored all of our options and kept moving forward until God would reveal to us our next step, having faith that He would.

In my own spiritual journey, a weakness I have is letting go of my own control.  God has to remind me of this ALL THE TIME, “I promise, I’ve got this Cass.  Go ahead and let go.” He whispers to my soul, and through white knuckles I try to ease my grip.  After years of practicing, I had the ultimate test when the day would come where I would have to sign the sellers contract on my sweet little cottage before knowing AT ALL where we were heading next.

We had seen multiple rentals, all of which fell through for one reason or another, we had friends offer us to stay at their homes, but with such an uncertain timeline that seemed hard to commit to… We had even reached the resolve that if worse came to worse, we would take this show on the road and live in our little trailer and travel for a few months until we sorted this all out.  I felt anxious and wrung up over every last option. (I also learned how DOWN I was for God’s plan, as I would have been willing to do any of these things had they felt right.)

So, on the last night it was possible, I signed the contract, making our sale official.  With not a single hint of what we would do next.  I pleaded with God what felt like that entire night, and felt a strong impression that help was on the way.  THE NEXT MORNING, my husband called from work asking if I could be ready in 20 minutes to go see the house I had coveted on the MLS site (knowing full-well I couldn’t buy it – we had planned to not even start with the home buying process until we could file our taxes which wouldn’t be for a few months, at least..  We had to be out of our home in 28 days.)  Brady told me he’d explain, and to get the kids ready.  Turns out, that morning’s meeting landed him with just the right person who would be connected to a real estate agent and a mortgage broker who worked mostly with business owners like us.  A call or two later, we were meeting the real estate agent at the dream house, and by that afternoon, we placed our offer.  Is your head spinning?  Let me say it again, that afternoon, we were placing an offer to buy the home I didn’t dare dream we could buy.  It was a spiritual trip to say the least.

Because the home buying process is never ever easy, I can’t say this process has been a breeze, or without it’s hiccups… but I can say that we have been guided every single step, and we have been 100% fine with whatever God had in mind for us – even if that meant facing our own disappointment for a time.  Of course, our God is one of grace and mercy.  Our suffering has been washed over with His peace time and time again when we’ve come up against trials in this process.

As I am writing, we are a couple of days away from closing on both homes, and we are still having to lean into faith over fear every single day.  There is still a chance things could fall through, and there is still a chance we’ll see another miracle in our lives come to completion.  I have faith in the latter, of course.

I will tell you that I don’t think I’ve ever had a time that was so apparent that God was working in our lives.  I mean, truly I would have never imagined this would be possible, and I hadn’t even dared dream beyond our home.  But God nudged me in the gentle, reassuring way only He does, and I am watching the next chapter of our lives unfold right before my very eyes.  How grateful I am to that hard time in my life ten years ago that lead me to God, that lead me to changing my life for His will that day and every day forward.  After ten years, I am still not over the miracles God has performed in my life and continues to perform in our lives. <3

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The Millers are Moving!

Well, I’m not sure how to write this all out, but in very short – we were given a sweet opportunity to sell our beloved downtown cottage we lovingly call “the Miller Manor”, and take a leap of faith as we find the NEXT Miller Manor.

You can’t imagine the heartache, prayers, tears, and time we have spent over this big decision for our family.  But the Lord is good, and He is guiding us as the opportunity unfolds.

For the first 7 years of our marriage, as a couple of new small business owners, it was impossible for us to qualify for a home loan, but it remained our hearts deepest desire.  All we wanted was a quaint little place we could call our own in those years (and years) of rentals.  We witnessed a small miracle happen in our financial life that year as we turned our worries to God, and our sweet little house fell into our lap.

It had been a childhood dream of mine to live in downtown St. George, to buy a little old house and fix it up.  As a young girl, my parents owned a quaint little beauty salon right in the heart of the city.  I grew up in that salon, ran around the grounds, and became dearly acquainted with all the business owners – most of whom still have businesses there today.  We would go for walks, and play in the tree-lined streets and as we drove home to our suburban neighborhood, I would pick my favorite houses up the block and day-dream about the life I would live there when I grew up.

How sweet it has been to see that dream come to life.

This house has been such a tender mercy for me, and even writing this makes me teary.  This house has been my dream come true, and I haven’t even dreamed beyond it.  I have felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have this precious place of safety, security, and so much joy.  A little house literally bursting with my own children and a happy, full, beautiful life.  I have not, and will not ever get over it.  This dream of mine was hard won, but worth it ten million times.

But this house wasn’t our forever house.  It was a house to wrap us up in a time we needed it, to provide us shelter from life’s storms for a season, and has provided us an opportunity to turn the page to the next chapter of our lives.  What a sweet gift this house has been.  I can’t say that enough.  This home will be cherished for the rest of my life, in some of our happiest of memories.

But for now, I am looking forward to the home waiting for us.  Because as I have been reminding myself, it’s not the manor that makes the Millers, it’s the Millers that make the manor.

*cue all the tears*

 

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drowning in blessings

cassmiller – Just a happy little reminder left just for me on my sidewalk by one of my children. #tendermercy
If you are going through a stormy season, let me remind you that your rainbow is coming. God is with us in our trials and He never wastes a hurting heart. 💛

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I have been dealing with a wave of depression over the last little while.  I know it’s depression, not only because depression has gotten so familiar to me, but when my life seems pretty smooth, everyone is doing well, things are busy and bustling and there’s nothing to be sad about, yet still I feel sad inside.  That is exactly what’s been going on here.

This morning, as I finished up my hour of gratitude, where I start my day noting all the things I am grateful for, I told Mr. Miller, “I feel like I’m drowning in blessings.” and that is exactly how I feel.  I am so grateful for this full and happy life, and sometimes it just feels like so much full and happy life.  I guess I’ll take that particular set of issues.

Depression isn’t something I chat about too much, even though it’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life.  Lately though, as I have been studying depression, post partum depression, depression in women, I have found some truths and statistics that troubled me.  Like, post partum depression being the highest complication after delivery, but only 7% of these women suffering get help.  I found this through my own research to find answers for my post partum depression, a very misunderstood and misdiagnosed form of depression.

I, of course, believe in living a healthy lifestyle.  I do all things possible to maintain a happy, healthy, and wholesome life.  These things include but are not limited to: eating habits, exercise, self care, therapy, good books, nights with friends, a good date night, resting, self love, down time, vacation, feeding creativity…  I believe everyone should be striving for these things on the regular.  IF MAMA AINT HAPPY AINT NOBODY HAPPY.  It is not bad mothering to enjoy life and prioritize taking care of your mind, body, and spirit.  That is actually great mothering.  You cannot fill anyone’s cup if yours is on empty.  Take time for yourself.

I (after exhausting all my options I could on my own) sought help from my OBGYN, because ya know, post-partum/women/childbirth…  but after they lead me kind of astray and I felt worse and more confused after their carelessness, I eventually found myself in the care of my primary care doctor, which is exactly where I should have been in the first place, I learned.  So, know that is where to go.  Depression you can chat to your primary care doctor about.  *And if you find one you like, keep them forever! (words from the wise here) His help might be lifestyle suggestions, different areas of therapy, hormone support, medication… there is a variety of different treatments, but just talking about it to someone safe might make the world of difference toward feeling better.

Do you know the signs of depression?  If you aren’t feeling yourself, if you can’t feel the joy that you can see all around you, if you have increasingly less energy that you typically have, or are finding yourself always feeling like you’re running on empty… these could all be signs of depression.  I have struggled with depression and post partum depression, and after each of my babies, my post partum depression has manifested itself differently.  Sometimes with anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes with all consuming, reason-less sadness, sometimes in extreme feelings of failure or never doing enough.  I muscled my way through it, and now that I have an entire family that depends on my emotional well being, I have had to prioritize myself and get the help and answers I needed to get better.

There is NO SHAME in self love, self care, self prioritization.  The more kids I have, the more I have to prioritize myself.  The weird thing is, the more kids I have, the less natural it feels for me to keep myself at top billing.  I have really kept to aligning my life with my relationships with God and myself as my priorities.  This is the only way I wont get swallowed up by the bits of life that can become consuming.

For me, this dance is not hardly ever graceful.  Or not ever.  I burn way out before I start asking for help, but I am learning that about myself, and looking for opportunities to be better.  Working on my own personal boundaries and figuring out what I can really fit on my plate.  And that’s it, just on my plate.  Not what is on her plate, or what the general area has on their plates in comparison to mine.  We all have a different place here, and it’s okay if I can only squeeze in one kid in a dance camp for the year and tell the rest Santa will only come if they sacrifice extra-curricular activities. (Just kidding, but really..) While other friends of mine seem to breeze through the web of organization it requires to maintain a bustling family schedule. (Looking to you here Liz, Jess, Amy…)  “Different” is not “less than”.  Run your race, let the others run theirs.

I am feeling better after a couple of tough weeks, and I pray that as I continue to learn about myself, I can heal faster, grow deeper in faith and love, care for myself better, and maintain a happier, healthier, more beautiful life.  At least, that’s the goal here.

If there is one thing that I have learned through this blog of mine, it is that we are not alone in our lives.  Not only is God with us, but He provides us angels all over in the world to connect with.  You all have been a blessing to me, and I care about us all too much to not sometimes talk about the important stuff.  If you are out there reading this, needing these reminders today, remember this: You are loved, you are thought about, you are prayed over.  You, my dear friend, are not alone.

 

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happy & healthy

After a little hiatus, I thought the best way to get back to bloggin’ is with a little SELF LOVE SEPTEMBER.  This week, I am dedicating this space to self love, happier living, and all that entails!

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Over the last couple of years, and also decade, and also my whole entire life, I have experienced some emotional trauma.  For various reasons, a thousand different circumstances, choices, relationships, and a lot of dealing with whichever cards you’re dealt in a certain season of life.  I have had no shortage of emotional baggage I  have had to navigate through, as well as carrying it with me through this life, while I wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc. etc. etc.

At 20, I had miraculously pulled myself through the hardest years of my entire life, but even though I had made it to finally see the light on the other side, I was no where near out of the woods.  That was the first time I really looked inside myself and realized that I wanted to change my life.  Change the things that weren’t working, work on things inside myself, negative tendancies, unhealthy relationships, I wanted to work hard on loving myself because after the specific set of trials I had faced in my young life, I had a really hard time believing I was worthy of anything, and that included love.

I found a therapist, Lord bless him.  He saw me every single week for years as I tried to make sense of all the pieces in my life and how they had lead me here, and how I could walk forward in light for my lovely, perfect, darling daughters.  This work took time.  It was hard, and emotional, and soul-stretching.  It was life changing, and I am grateful for every hour I spent in that therapist office in those years and the impact it has made on my life.

A couple of years ago, I found myself in a bit of a “funk”, as one does.  I knew that meant I had some work to do to clean up my life and some emotional stuff I had swirling around.  After praying and thinking on that, I got a clear mantra to follow; Happier and Healthier.  It was a guiding light for me as I navigated all aspects of my life.  My relationships should be happier and healthier,  I cannot be fully happy if I am not fully healthy.  Things can make me happy, but not necessarily healthy (junk food), and things can make me healthy, but not necessarily happy (kale).  The trick I saw was that making the decisions for health AND happiness had the real everlasting results.  They  may be the hardest to make stick sometimes, but they are worth striving for.  And so, this became my life mantra.

Create a HEALTHY, HAPPY, beautiful life.

If there is one thing I have learned on this road to a happier, healthier life, it is that you are never just THERE.  I mean, you are, but you always always have to work to maintain it.  I can’t stay happy and healthy if I always just stay exactly where I am, so I must always be moving forward.  I do not have a free pass to trials, struggles, tough relationships, everyday life problems, fears, insecurities, etc.  I have to work through those things in the healthiest way I can, so I can maintain my happiness.  A happy and healthy life takes work, but it is such good work.  And it is always worth it.

This week I’ll be touching more specifics of this mantra like facing depression, spiritual crisis, and good old fashioned self care, body image, all that entails.  This is a conversation I am starting here on the blog, and I hope we can keep the conversation rolling.  We can all use a little more love from ourselves.

latest favorite shirt from HERE.  Giveaway coming this week to the ‘gram!

Have faith, mama.  You are doing better than you think.

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